The Healing Theory
by The Shamy Shipper
Summary: Sheldon is going through an extremely difficult time. He sees his life crumble before his eyes but can do nothing about it. However, an unexpected reunion can bring him back the hope that one day everything will get better. A cure. OOC
1. Welcome Back

Welcome Back

* * *

"Are you ok, buddy?" Leonard asked Sheldon, who was distracted looking at the landscape through the car window.

It would be the first time in two months that he would set foot at the university where he worked. It was an understatement to say that he was concerned about the future of his career.

He took a while to answer.

"I dont know". He contemplated his words before continuing. "Siebert seemed extremely enraged on the phone when we talked three days ago and I informed him that I would be returning to the university today."

"Maybe you didn't get it right, Sheldon." Leonard said without taking his eyes off the road.

Sheldon just stared at the window without answering anything.

"Maybe you should know," Leonard tried again. "But Siebert seemed very concerned about you during this time when you were away."

And that was how he got Sheldon's attention.

"Are you serious?". The theoretical physicist questioned.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"It's not like I'm the only theoretical physicist at Caltech." Sheldon replied.

"You're right". Leonard said. "But you're the best, so he doesn't want to lose you."

"My work has not been advanced for some time, you know."

There.

That was the root of all his problems. Good, depending on the point of view.

For his girlfriend, for example, that was the reason their relationship didn't evolve. Despite all her desperate attempts to try to take the next step.That was one of the reasons why he took the train and left without destination across the country.

She believed that once he made great strides in his research, he would have more time to think about their future together.

He let her believe that. Even knowing that was far from true. As comfortable as it was to have her around, making all his wishes, he had no romantic feelings for her. But about the latter, she had full knowledge, just chose to ignore it.

His friends, however, knew him better. To a certain extent. Sheldon was an extremely difficult person to deal with most of the time. He always acted strange and when something bothered him he acted even stranger. He had some very good moments, but in others it was possible to see a shadow of sadness on his countenance. They were almost certain that he was hiding something extremely painful, although they couldn't figure out what it was.

"Don't push yourself so hard, Sheldon." Leonard protested. "You've been going through some tough changes lately."

Sheldon knew this was just half of his problems. Apart from everything he was facing, he had not been happy for a long time. There was a void in his life that nothing could fill. Or at least he thought.

"You're right, Leonard."

That was all he said and remained quiet the rest of the way. Leonard thought it best to leave him with his thoughts. He would have a lot to deal with on his return.

* * *

He followed the corridors of the physics department with a blank expression. He came into his office feeling somewhat comforted by the familiarity that room brought him. Alex had left everything in perfect order and he couldn't be happier about it.

Glancing at his watch, he noticed it was still 9am. Another hour had yet to pass until his appointment with Siebert. He would have enough time to review his latest papers left before his departure, and elaborate arguments in his conversation with the Caltech's president.

He sat in his chair and opened the laptop, eager to get back to his work.

His plans were interrupted, however, when someone knocked on the door.

Without waiting for permission the person opened the door and entered the office. Sheldon was not surprised to see that the person in question was Dr. Sarah Cohen.

His girlfriend.

"Hello". She said after entering and stopping in front of the table.

"Hello". He answered and turned his attention to the computer. It didn't look like this was the first time they'd seen each other in two months. It didn't even seem like they were dating.

"I heard from whispers in the department halls that you would be back today." She folded her arms in front of her chest and kept her gaze fixed on him as he typed wildly.

"Gossip runs fast at this university." He was deliberately ignoring her.

"I hear your little friend Leonard picked you up in Arizona." The sarcasm in her voice was evident even to Sheldon.

"Yes, he did".

"Why didn't you call me? Why didn't you tell me you were back? Why didn't you even tell me you were leaving?" She put her hands on the back of the chair in front of the table and held a furious expression on her face.

He stared at her for a moment, shrugged his shoulders, and typed again.

"Because I needed some time away from you. Because as soon as I got back my friends barely left my apartment and you know they don't like you, and because I forgot to warn you." Sheldon said as if that were the most normal thing in the world.

"Well, I don't like your friends either." She replied.

"So I see no reason for this discussion."

"As productive as talking to a wall." She crossed her arms again and took a deep breath. "I just came by to welcome you."

"Thanks". He said. "Now you can go."

"You're welcome. Good luck with your meeting with Siebert today. I hope you do your best to stay at this university or I swear to you, Sheldon Cooper..."

When she didn't complete the sentence he raised his head and for a minute she thought he was afraid.

"Sarah, please. You know I don't like incomplete sentences."

By this time she was red.

"... or you can consider this relationship over."

"Ok". That was all Sheldon answered and she then left the room.

* * *

It was 10 am sharp.

Sheldon knocked the door of President Siebert's office. Completely nervous.

More precisely on the verge of a panic attack. His hands were sweating and trembling as his heart pounded against his ribcage.

"Come in". Sheldon heard the voice saying inside of the room.

Still hesitant, he opened the door and walked slowly to a stop at the threshold.

"Good Morning". Sheldon said and Siebert turned his attention to him.

"Good morning, Dr. Cooper. I was waiting for you. Please, sit down."

Sheldon did as he was asked.

"I'm glad you're back." Siebert said and Sheldon noticed sincerity in his voice.

"I think I owe my apologies for my sudden departure." Sheldon said.

"It's fine, Dr. Cooper. Really. The university would have been much more sorry if you hadn't come back. But we all need some time sometimes. We're happy to have our best theoretical physicist back."

"Siebert, please-"

"You've been through a rough period. That's understandable. In fact, that's one of the issues I need to discuss with you." He said seriously.

"I'm listening".

Siebert pondered his next words. Any wrong step could scare the physicist.

"Well". He took a deep breath. "I've been talking a lot with the university deans and we have come up with a difficult decision, but it will be good for both parties."

Sheldon panicked for good.

"Will you fire me?" He fired.

"NO". Siebert said terrified, in a tone that made Sheldon startle. "Not at all," he said milder. "At least that's not what we want."

"I dont understand". He answered really confused.

"Dr. Cooper, we really want to keep you. But there are some considerations to make, and some conditions that may be the solution to your personal problems and your lack of research progress." He was setting the stage, Sheldon could tell.

"What would it be?"

"First. We realize that your lack of progress can be attributed to psychological issues." He went straight.

"I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested." Absolutely everyone who lived with him has heard this phrase.

"We don't think you are. Not even for a minute." It was the first time Siebert had treated Sheldon as a normal human being, and only then did he realize. "But you have a hard time dealing with your feelings, your emotions..."

"No, I don't." He defended himself.

"Sorry, Dr. Cooper, but both I and the university dean disagree. You have a certain track record. Countless times you've had to leave the University after panic attacks, you've been losing weight considerably in recent months..." Sheldon just looked at him as if he had a stone stuck in his throat that it didn't want to come down. "You know, Dr. Hofstadter and I talked a lot during the time you were gone. He told me that you often had anxiety attacks, and you have been more irritably than usual."

"That-".

"He's your friend and he's worried about you." Siebert cut him off, and the stone in his throat came down painfully. "We all are. You're a brilliant scientist, but you need to work out your emotional problems if you want to remain. It would be a shame to waste such talent."

Sheldon knew he was right.

He just hated to admit it.

"What do you suggest?". He questioned.

"For you to look for a psychiatrist, Dr. Cooper."

"Oh, please." Sheldon mocked.

"I'm serious". He took a deep breath again. "We are not going around the university telling everybody that you are doing any such treatment. It will be just between us and the deans, you can rest easy about that."

"I still believe it's unnecessary, but I'll try. I just don't promise that I will continue the "treatment" after the first section." He said.

"Trying is already a start." Siebert was visibly relieved by the outcome of that conversation.

"What about the other condition?"

"Very well. As you know, the university works on social projects to encourage children to pursue science."

"Yes I know". Sheldon crossed his arms and relaxed his posture in the chair.

"Well then. Because of your excellent performance in your reserchs in recent years, we thought it best to keep you out of those situations that would make you uncomfortable."

"And now?"

"Well, we decided it's time for you to participate directly in the projects."

"Oh no!"

"Oh yeah". This was not sarcasm, but Sheldon wanted it to be. "The projects are very important, but we have lost money due to the failure of recent years."

"Then why do you want me on it?"

"Because you are brilliant, Dr. Cooper. You succeed in your profession."

Sheldon didn't answer, just stared at him unhappy with everything he was hearing.

"Every year we bring together several scientists from various departments, but this year we will do it differently. You will be joining only a neurobiologist, who actually, arrives at the university today. You two together will work out a project to work with children in an orphanage that receives our help ".

"A neurobiologist?" He was visibly outraged.

"Yes".

"And who is it?"

Just then someone knocked the door.

"Just in time". Siebert got up to answer the door.

Sheldon just bowed his head. He couldn't have had a worse return. His hell was just beginning.

He heard the door click as it opened. And from there his mind traveled completely to another world. Full of chaos. Panic. Confusion.

He didn't hear the exchenges at the door.

He didn't hear when Siebert called him the first, the second, or the third time.

He came out of his frenzy when Siebert touched his shoulder and he turned, his eyes still staring at the floor focused on black scapin-clad feet, his eyes slowly rising, looking at the stockings, the pencil skirt, and the beautiful the shape of her hips, the white social blouse beneath a gray blazer partially covered by light brown waves that looked so soft ...

But when his eyes finally stared into her face. Sheldon's heart stopped.

Even without his eidetic memory he would never forget those green eyes that looked so surprised. Those pink lips and their taste.

Sheldon had to use all that was left of his strength to stand on his own feet.

His shallow breath almost fading.

"Dr. Cooper! I want you to meet Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler." Said Siebert.

* * *

_AN: This was just a short introductory chapter, I promise you a lot of drama. But know that it will be heavy on the Shamy romance.__I'll deal with some sensitive issues like depression and anxiety here, so be careful if this is a trigger for you. However, I guarantee this is a story about healing. And I'm particularly in this process, this fanfic was the way I found to put it out.__Please let me know your opinions. I will love reading your comments! They make me happy and inspire me to keep writing and I have a lot still in mind for these two, there are past wounds they will have to deal with. It is important to know if I am on the right track.__I'll be back soon!_


	2. The Past Knocks the Door

_I'm back, sooner than I thought... I wrote this chapter in an epiphany after discovering that there was a firefly in my bedroom at night. Two hours later I had a chapter "ready", I was busy these days, but here it is.__Before you go on reading, I have a trigger warning of depression and suicide, so if these are sensitive topics for you, please be careful or not read if you feel you are not ready, okay?__Being a person who is being treated for depression and having had a great suicidal ideation I know the impact that some things have on us.__I wish you all a good read!_

* * *

The Past Knocks the Door

* * *

[...] Even without his eidetic memory he would never forget those green eyes that looked so surprised. Those pink lips and their taste.

Sheldon had to use all that was left of his strength to stand on his own feet.

His shallow breath almost fading.

"Dr. Cooper! I want you to meet Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler." Said Siebert.

The green eyes widened, and Sheldon was lost in it immensity, navigating sweet memories.

He remembered precisely the first time he had seen those eyes.

* * *

_Texas, 1996._

_Sheldon never accepted the fact that he had to attend all elementary and high school as a normal person, which he certainly wasn't. His parents didn't want to send him so young to college. He was always too dependent, despite all his intelligence. He would not survive on his own elsewhere, let alone an environment as hostile as the university._

_Each day he walked the school corridors, cringing for fear of the bullies, he hated that place even more. He hated having to hear his teacher explain a subject he had learned on his own a long time ago. Some teachers even helped him as best they could and gave him more advanced content for him to study during the explanations. It still gave him a bit of comfort, but just to some extent since even college content had been outdated for him for a long time._

_He entered the classroom and his eyes searched the room as soon as he noticed that someone was in his spot._

_A girl he had never seen at school._

_She wore a black tiara that pulled all her hair back, bottle-bottomed glasses, a long skirt and wool shirt; which he found impressive because Texas was hot as hell would never dream of being._

_He moved closer and she noticed him, raising his head and displaying a strange smile that Sheldon could not decipher even if he tried. He had never been good at reading people's emotions._

_He didn't waste a second before opening his mouth._

_"You are in my spot". He said, straightforward._

_"Excuse me?" The girl said with a confused expression._

_"I said you're in my spot." Delicacy had never been his highest quality._

_The girl looked from side to side not knowing what to do. Visibly terrified. The teacher came into the room and everyone took their seats, but Sheldon stood waiting for the girl to vacate the spot._

_"Sheldon, sit down!" The teacher warned._

_"But she's in my spot!" He complained._

_"Be a gentleman and sit at the next table." But he didn't move, the teacher then turning toward Amy said. "You must be the new student."_

_"Amy Fowler! Nice to meet you." The girl said extending her hand towards the teacher who returned the greeting._

_"Teacher Louise of Literature". The master said. She turned back to Sheldon who watched the whole exchange with a mocking air. "Now, Sheldon!"_

_Peeved, he sat at the next table, which, although in the front row, was unsuitable for him._

_He didn't bother to pay attention as the teacher introduced the new student to the class. He was too busy working out quantum physics theories in his head. But even if he didn't want to, he absorbed all the information about the new student._

_Her name was Amy Farrah Fowler, she was from California and moved after her mother was transferred at work. Since the class was about literature, apparently her favorite subject, she spoke some nonsense about liking Jane Austen and blah blah blah. He really didn't care._

_He hated literature._

_When the new student sat, Sheldon could feel her gaze on him. And that made him extremely uncomfortable._

_The class as usual had been hell. And he thanked God when it was over._

_At break he sat at his usual table. Alone. Just with a book as companion. He really didn't care at all._

_His peace however was disturbed again._

_"Excuse me, do you mind if I sit here?" He looked up and in front of him was the same annoying girl from literature class. He looked around for a way out of this situation. "Please," she said, "the other tables are all full and honestly these people scare me."_

_For the first time he felt some sympathy for her._

_"Go ahead". He said. "But please, make it look like you're not here."_

_"Thanks". She sat and looked at him with another strange smile._

_"Whatever". He turned his attention back to the book._

_She started pulling some items out of the lunchbox, but Sheldon remained focused on reading._

_"Sheldon, isn't it?" She asked with interest._

_He looked up again._

_What part had she not understood about being quiet enough to look like she wasn't there?_

_"Sheldon Cooper". He said it anyway._

_"Amy Farrah Fowler". She reached out, but he looked disdainfully._

_"I don't shake hands."_

_"Oh," she retracted her arm. "I understand. I really don't like it either. It's so unhygienic, but my mom forces me."_

_"I'm so sorry about that," he said truthfully._

_A silence fell in the air for a moment and Sheldon returned to his reading, but Amy had other plans._

_"Listen" he lowered the book to look at her once more, already annoyed. "I'm sorry I sat in your seat," she continued. "I'll sit another next time." She opened a pot and slid it across the table toward him, his gaze following it. "It's brownies. I made it myself. Get one."_

_"Thanks". Sheldon took one out of the container and bit suspiciously._

_"I'm really sorry". She said again._

_"It's all right". He said after swallowing._

_"You know, I'm not very good at making friends. Everyone is usually a little intimidated by my intelligence." She didn't know why she was saying that._

_"I have an IQ of 189, I know what you're talking about." He set the book on the table._

_"Higher than mine." She was amazed. "187"._

_"Really? I've never met anyone nearly as smart as me."_

_They exchanged a smile and for the first time Sheldon recognized that emotion._

_"Maybe we can be great friends, Amy Farrah Fowler."_

_And that was just the beginning._

* * *

The two scientists were paralyzed in front of each other.

It was clear that the next step should be taken by Sheldon. But this situation was too surreal for his cognition to decipher. He was incapable, a nothing.

Then his body made the decision for him, and he did what he does best in these situations.

He ran away.

* * *

The end of the expedient was approaching more slowly than Amy would have liked. A sharp knife had been stabbed into her heart, and she wondered how she still managed to get through all that day, so firmly as her heart muscle seemed to want to come out of her mouth.

After Sheldon rushed off, Siebert left her in her lab, where she could finally be at peace with her thoughts.

Bringing her right hand into the pocket of her lab coat, she pulled out her cell phone to check the time, just another fifteen minutes, and she could get out. The object's screen went blank as she stared at it persistently, hoping that perhaps time would pass faster this way. The action, however, had only intensified her suffering. When she noticed her reflection on the device, her eyes were visibly tired. The deep, dark circles under her almost closed orbits. Her skin extremely pale.

How long had she not seen herself otherwise in the mirror?

In recent years that was exactly how she looked.

Sick.

She was visibly sick.

But the pathology she suffered from was not simply cured by taking medications for a set time.

As a neuroscientist she knew her own evil well, and how many times had she not laughed at her own irony? She didn't even know it anymore.

An infection, if left untreated early on, can evolve. And you don't cure an infection with just the power of your mind. There is a time until you notice your symptoms, and as soon as it occurs, the logical solution is to seek medical attention. But if you insist that all is well, and soon that goes away, the case gets worse to the point of being intractable.

When you enter the sea, you only go as far as your self limit allows. There comes a point where the power of the water is greater, but if you do not care, the water drags you, and there is no turning back without someone helping you.

Such is the depression.

There are problems that we insist on letting go of, hurts that we try to stifle within ourselves and pretend they are not there. This is the worst mistake we make. We pretend to be all right when we are not. But the more you try to hide the problems, the more they grow, and then they consume you. Little by little.

To the point where it swallows you alive.

And the more you cry and try desperately to get out, the more the walls gird around you. Until at one point the fight is vain, the defeat is sweet and tempting. And you behold it as you behold a bird, or a tranquil landscape.

And Amy was contemplating her defeat.

For months the defeat seemed sweet enough for her to taste of its honey. Your lifelong relief.

Inside she knew that wasn't the solution. But how to continue living? For what reasons keep on living?

Her mother dead. No one else depended on her to survive...

The person she loved most had gone on a journey without return, too early for his very short existence.

And she would never be able to look for Sheldon again.

It had just been a love of youth. Of those that were not made to last, but to remember. He would probably be married, have a family. And even if he didn't, she would never be able to look into his eyes again.

But life plays tricks.

One wrong step and there you are, in the middle of the stage, no rehearsal, no scripting, no one behind the scenes ... Just a crowded audience waiting for what will come, but you don't even know what you're doing there, or how you even ended up there.

Life calls for improvisation.

Four days ago she was lying in her bed, again unable to sleep. The nightmares... The worries... The emptiness... Everything eroded inside her like propane erodes Styrofoam.

The night before that she was probing suicide. As a scientist she knew exactly how much drugs it would need for her body to stop working, and as a scientist she would have no problem getting the substances needed to end her existence.

The plan had been in her mind for a long, long time. But only now had she had the courage to do so.

That morning in her lab, all the necessary elements were being gathered by her small, nimble hands. She was so sure this was the way. She didn't even hesitate.

She just didn't expect her boss to arrive right there bringing hope with him.

After a conversation, she was infomed that she was being offered an opportunity not so easily dismissed.

Lying in her bed, Amy was asking God for a sign. Bullshit, she thought. She didn't believe in that kind of thing. But she knew it was human nature to seek answers from supernatural beings. At that moment she did wanted to be believe. After all, wouldn't it be so much easier to be guided by such beliefs?

But she wanted any sign of the universe telling her which way to go. She just needed a hope. Something to guide her through the darkness.

As if some supernatural being were listening to her. Suddenly, she noticed a kind of small green light moving rapidly through the dark of the room. Turning on and off several times. She soon understood that it was a firefly.

That's weird...

How it had got there? Hours and hours rolling back and forth and she hadn't noticed. It could not have entered with the door and windows closed.

Determined to believe anything, she interpreted it as a sign.

Chance accepted.

A radical change in wardrobe and a whole past behind.

Or so she thought.

She now, leading research at Caltech, would have to face the one who was the reason for her pain. He was obviously as unprepared for this meeting as she was.

As if on instinct, thinking of him, she heard light knocking on the door that was already open.

Moving her eyes toward the noise, she came across the painfully familiar anatomy.

"Sheldon?" Her voice delivered her astonishment and tension. "Why are you here?".

The theoretical physicist did not respond. His tongue made contact with his upper and inner lips respectively, indicating some nervousness on his part.

"May I come in?". He said staring at the floor. And after a long unanswered pause, his blue eyes met her green ones, and by themselves pleaded the favor.

Amy just nodded, not disconnecting her eyes from his. Her heart skipping a beat with every step she took toward her.

"I thought I would never see you again." He said, stopping a meter away from the neurobiologist. The intensity of his piercing eyes had completely changed her. Invoking in her body sensations so familiar but new at the same time. She hadn't remembered what it felt like for a long time. "I can hardly believe my eyes." He uttered before raising his arm and touching her face with his fingertips and all the lateral extension of his thumb. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying in vain to contain the goose bumps that such a touch evoked in every millimeter of her body.

A simple touch.

He had only to take one step forward for her to melt in his arms.

She knew that.

He knew that.

However, he only halved the distance between the two bodies, so excited by the encounter. He didn't want to lose control.

"I missed you so much". His voice echoed through her ears.

God only knew how much she missed him too. But before she could automatically respond and surrender to the moment, her subconscious gave her a reality shock.

She didn't deserve that. She didn't deserve him.

She jerked away and raised both open hands in front of her to prevent him from approaching.

"Sheldon, I ..." She was completely lost. What to tell him? Should she tell him?

There was no telling him anything. She herself condemned herself every day of her life for everything that happened. How to put a weight on _his_ back that not even _she_ could bear?

"I'm sorry for my behavior earlier." He said, clearly on the brink of distress at the sudden distance between his fingers and her face.

"I was as shocked as you Sheldon, it's just ..." No explanation seemed right.

"Just ...?" He asked.

"It's too much to process in just one day." She opted to say.

"I don't understand". His frown indicated his puzzlement at her reaction.

"I didn't expect to meet you here, Sheldon." The knife that was stuck in her heart now pierced the heart of the physicist.

"I thought...".

"I'm so sorry". Seeing that look was all she wanted to avoid. "Listen, I'm glad to see you. All these years of contemplating where you would be, how would you be... There wasn't a single day I didn't think of you." The pain in his gaze gave way only to confusion. "But I didn't expect to find you like this..."

"I thought..."

"I thought the same thing when I saw you in President Siebert's office, but I soon realized you were as surprised as me." The understanding in her voice was palpable. "You were so unprepared that you had a panic attack, Sheldon."

"I'm so sorry".

"Don't be. Neither of us were prepared. And I'm certainly not right now." She sounded too harsh even to her ears. But she was completely lost. Absolutely nothing seemed right at that moment. She wanted to run. And not having to think about the situation.

Sheldon seemed to understand her despair, but couldn't contain his feelings of being hurt by the brunette's response.

"I'll leave you alone." He turned and advanced toward the exit. His slumped shoulders and low head were too much for Amy to ignore.

"Sheldon, wait!" The physique stopped in his place and turned.

"Yes?".

"Just give me some time. I believe we both need this." She said.

"Look for me when you're ready." That was all he answered before leaving Amy alone with her thoughts again.

* * *

A/N: This_ was an important moment for both of them. Very important.__More is coming! Maybe with a little less anguish. I really want to know what you think may have happened in the past with this two, and also what are your opinios about this chapter!__Thank you for reading!_


	3. When will I see you again?

Here I am again. And I have to say it's been an amazing experience writing this fic.

I have a lot of plans for these two and I hope to be able to transpose everything I feel about them as clearly as possible.

This is a very special story for me. This is not just a fanfic, but a much bigger thing. There's a lot of me in this story.

Your reviews always warm my heart and inspire me to keep going! For the guests, although I can't dm you all to say how much I appreciate your reviews know that I love reading them!

I was inspired by "Don't you remember" by Adele to write this chapter. The lyrics say so much about Shamy's story in this Fanfic.

I wish you all a good read! 3

* * *

The small cubicle Amy called home, an apartment with a small kitchen, a living room, and a bedroom, was crammed with boxes. Just clothes, and valuables, both sentimental and monetary. Her old furniture and everything else had been left behind in her old house, that she barely had time to think about selling. She would have to go back and fix everything left behind, but that could wait.

The issue at hand now was even more urgent.

Looking at her past and decide what would be now in her future. Her heart still weighed with regret and guilt. Feelings that held her prisoner for over a decade of her life. Crushing her heart to the point of suffocation.

It was so hard to move on. Make a decision there at that time.

Happiness might be knocking on her door again, but she didn't feel worthy. She would never accept Sheldon in her life again if she didn't tell him the whole truth. She didn't feel worthy even of his friendship.

Maybe this was her chance to do the right things again.

But she didn't want to hold on to the hopes that he would still accept her after all she hid from him.

The way things were left years ago... There wasn't a single day she didn't think about how everything could have been different, that maybe now she could be happy.

Complete.

But there is no point in persevering in past pains, if not with the intention of using them to make yourself stronger in the present and to face whatever the future holds. Although it is difficult to look into the past and not feel a pang of anguish within the heart.

Walking among the numerous boxes that occupied almost the entire space of the small apartment, she found one specific, much smaller than the others, but knew that keeped something of extreme sentimental value. One of the few good things left.

With the box in hand she walked over to the couch where she sat and placed the box on her lap. As she opened the cardboard flaps, her eyes met a homemade mini Tesla coil, a plasma globe, a tiara, and a small wooden chest, the object she was looking for. Her heart had clenched at once, and though she knew the exact contents of the receptacle she could not help feeling apprehensive. Resurrecting those memories had proved extremely painful. All she had done in recent years was run from her past like a runaway animal. Or an acid mist that gradually destroys everything it passes through. But it was time to face it all, and she knew it.

With shaking hands she opened the wooden lid painted in white paint and stamped with light blue roses.

The first thing she came across was a photograph. Two teenagers, a girl with light brown hair and a flowery dress partially covered by a light pink sweater, and a boy wearing a short-sleeved blue social shirt that highlighted his blue eyes too. They were both smiling and holding a small trophy and a plasma globe together, which shared the space of the box. In the background was a banner that read "4th Science Fair - Medford High School."

The sweetness of that photo filled Amy's heart with peace. At that time everything seemed so right and so easy. No need to look at the picture twice to realize how happy the teenage couple were at that time.

Below that picture was a letter. With the envelope still sealed even after fourteen years. She never had the courage to open and know what was written. But now seemed like a good time. Even with all the fear, even if the worst words were written.

Tears were already falling by the time she opened it and pulled a meticulously folded piece of paper out of the envelope, when she opened it she was not surprised by the letter so perfect and firm. And the tears kept running and washing not only her face but her soul.

The letter said:

_"Galveston, Texas. July 17, 1997._

Amy_,_

_You know I have never been the best person to express feelings. And I know sometimes you think I'm insensitive. And forgive me for that. You know that for me the world works in another way. But it's high time to tell you the truth._

_From__ the moment I saw you sitting in "my spot" my heart beat in a strange way. And in that conversation at break, I couldn't stop looking at you and feeling something strange in my stomach. I didn't know what it was back then. I thought it was a disease. Soon my mother said I was in love. I found it absurd. But little time living with you I realized she was right._

_We__ always lived in the same world because we create one of our own. Your smile has always made my days better. And having you by my side makes things so much easier. There is no bad day by your side Amy Farrah Fowler. I hope you know that._

_We__ can make it work, even so many miles away. I understand that you have dreams, and I can not stand in their midst at all, and I want to give you all the support I can._

But_ I won't get in your way. I respect your decision. Even though I have to fight myself every second not to go after you and dispel all this misunderstanding._

_I love__ you, Amy. And you know this. Until there is gravity in this Earth I will love you. I'll wait until you come back, take it a month, five months, two years, ten or fifty. Does not matter. I will only be happy again when you return. And I know you will._

_But__ if you are determined to follow your plan. I hope you find happiness. I hope you are successful. And remember me._

_With__ love,_

_Sheldon "._

By the end of the letter, it was impossible for Amy to control the falling tears. How long had she not been crying? Her life was a big chasm lately and she only felt apathy. A numbness that kept her from feeling anything. That was so hopeless. People often think that feeling pain or great sadness is hopeless. But when you get to the point of feeling absolutely nothing, feeling pain is so much better.

And now it hurt. Her whole body hurt.

It was both physical and emotional pain that paralyzed her as the tears fell harder and harder, making her head ache with the speed of her thoughts. She wanted not to think, wanted to be able to stop crying, so that maybe the emotional pain would soften to the point that the physical pain would overlap and maybe it would be easier.

He had really waited.

Looking for her that afternoon was the purest and clearest proof of that.

She cried lying on the small couch until her body got tired and she could fall asleep.

* * *

When she woke up hours later. Her head still ached, her body was heavy, and the feeling of tiredness was worse than she felt when she fall sleep. Her face was hot and probably puffy. A visit to the bathroom and she confirmed her suspicions by looking in the mirror.

Amy opened the small cabinet next to the mirror and then took painkillers out, put some pills in her hand and brought them to her mouth, turned on the sink faucet and filled her mouth with water, then swallowed the medicines. Taking advantage of the water coming out of the tap she washed her face with the intention of refreshing it and getting rid of the tension in the muscles of her face.

She dried herself with a towel and put both hands on the sink, staring at her reflection in the mirror. But all she could see was a movie of the day it all happened.

* * *

_Texas, July 1997._

_"You can't tell him." Shouted Mrs. Fowler._

_Amy didn't listen, just headed for the front door of the house and left her mother talking to herself. After leaving decided on the sidewalk.__ She left all the insecurities inside her aside. And she remained braver than ever._

_Her destiny seemed to never come, and she needed to get that weight off her chest.__ The fifteen-minute walk to Sheldon's house seemed like a long journey. And now it seemed like her little long journey, toward a conversation that would forever change their lives._

_After that conversation everything would be more real. But she was determined to ignore the fear she was feeling._

_She knew he would be alone. George Junior didn't live in the house anymore. And Mrs. Cooper had taken Missy to Houston. They would have time to talk about what they would do as soon as Sheldon recovered from the fright he would surely have._

_Knocking on the door, it took a short time for Sheldon to open it. His smile went from ear to ear. It was impossible not to be touched by his joy.__ "Amy!" He said visibly excited, before giving her a quick kiss on her lips and pulling her into the house without even giving her time to say anything._

_"I'm glad you came. I was just on the phone with one of the Caltech professors I have corresponded with, I have great news." When he finished speaking, they were already in his room._

_The first thing Amy noticed was the mess in the always immaculate room. There were clothes everywhere and a huge suitcase on the bed._

_"Are you packing?" She asked._

_"Yes! I have to make sure I don't forget anything." He said busy while folding a shirt._

_Seeing her boyfriend's enthusiasm she suddenly felt unsure how to approach the subject._

_"Have you started packing yet?" He asked seeing her silence. "I can help you if you want."_

_Packing?_

_"No, Sheldon. I didn't."_

_He paused to look at her for a moment._

"Amy_? Where's your readiness? You know we're going to California in two weeks." Then he returned to the task of folding and storing the clothes in his suitcase._

_"You're right, Sheldon. I should have started, but ..." He cut her off._

_"You know I'm always right, Amy!"_

_She felt frustrated. Maybe she should just drop the news?_

_"Now, as I was talking," he continued, "I have some great news for us."__ He said._

_"I have some news too, Sheldon." Amy blurted out._

_"Great!" He said really happy, heading toward her. "But can I tell you mine first? I'm so happy!"_

_Amy knew, she was pretty sure she would totally lose her nerve if she let him speak first. She should just say and wait for his reaction. But anyway..._

_"Go ahead," she said._

_"The professor told me that he believes that I will be able to do an internship as a researcher in Germany during the summer holidays. And of course you too. He spoke to one of the professors in the department of biology and neuroscience, both of whom believe you have all chances to go "._

_Summer Vacation...__ Almost a year ahead. And by your accounts, just three months after_...

_"Summer Vacation?" She asked still trying to reason._

_"Yes, Amy! Isn't that amazing?" He said and held her face with both hands. "And we can do it together!"_

_All the courage went away at that moment.__ She couldn't let him give up on her dreams._

_"Yes, this is really amazing." She just nodded, though her voice was cut off with all the air that was trying hard to get in and out of her lungs._

_"I know! Now tell me, what's your news?"_

_Amy just stared into those blue eyes that shone so brightly. And it was impossible to ruin his dreams like that ..._

_"Sheldon, I ..." Courage Amy, speak up. She told herself in thought._

_"Yes?". He said smiling in such a way ...__ "_

_"Sheldon, I'm ... I'm not going to Caltech."_

_The smile instantly faded.__ "What?"._

_"I'm not going to Caltech, Sheldon. I'm going to Harvard." And so she covered a truth with a lie._

_"Harvard?" He released her face._

_"Yes". 'Tell the truth, Amy.'_

_"But..."__ he started._

_"I thought better, Sheldon." She knew she would regret making that decision and not telling him the truth, but she thought it might be better that way. "Harvard, it will be better for me. My mother was right." Though deep down she knew she was just lying to herself._

_"Amy, I really wasn't expecting that." He began to circle the room._

_"I'm so sorry. Really." She started staring at the floor with teary eyes._

_"I don't understand". He said._

_"Sheldon, please." Tears streamed down her face.__ He turned to her again, holding her face as she dried the falling tears._

_"It's fine, Amy. We'll make it work. Even with the distance" ..._

_If she really wanted to keep him out of it, they couldn't have contact anymore. They could not have any kind of relationship. Or it would all go downhill.__ "No, Sheldon." She said, and the blue pools flooded instantly._

"_What__ do you mean, no?"__ he asked aprehensive._

_"We better break up. I can't do this to you." Her voice was so choked with tears that it was hard to speak._

_"But I'm choosing this, Amy."_

_"But it's not fair! I can't hold you up."_

"_You're__ not holding me up! Amy, don't do this. Please!"_

_Suddenly feeling too insecure to stay there, before her heart gave in to his pleas and she ruined his future forever, she decided that leaving now would be the best option._

_"I'm so sorry, Sheldon." She didn't even look him in the eye, just gently took his hands off her face and kissed each one of them before leaving him behind trying to figure out what had just happened there._

_And that was the last time they saw each other.__ Sheldon just left a letter in her mail the next day, but she would only have the courage to read more than fourteen years later._

* * *

It could just be an epiphany. It could be perhaps one of those stupid decisions people make in five minutes of insane courage. But Amy needed to see him. She needed to say how sorry she was.

_I needed to tell him the truth._

The weight in her heart was unbearably heavy. It was hard to carry it alone. And maybe if she told him, even if he didn't forgive her, she would feel better about herself, and be able to look at him without feeling that her breathing system would close completely.

Who says regret doesn't kill?

She immediately grabbed her notebook and accessed the Caltech website, on a page that only employees had access to, she found his address. She wrote it down and kept it as if her life depended on it.

Only the car keys she took with her.

Speeding in a city she barely knew. No fear of the risks.

_Was it really Amy Farrah Fowler doing all this?_ She wondered.

It was more than nine at night. She should go home. Her mind was in a battle with itself.

She hardly saw the way pass while driving, when she realized she had climbed four flights of stairs running. That was when reason hit hard, but she no longer cared.

She knocked on the door and her heart beat so hard against her chest that it echoed in her ears. And it wasn't because of the stairs she had just climbed. It was no anticipation of their conversation. She knew it wouldn't be easy. Her mouth was dry, and she knew it was out of fear.

In the impulsiveness of her decision she knew that it would be better to drop the bomb and deal once and for all with the fact that she had lost Sheldon forever this time, than to hope and be disappointed by the possible rejection she would suffer.

It was all or nothing.

But the problem with decisions made in a moment of impulsiveness is that they almost always end in ways that were not expected. They always cause someone to get hurt. Heartbroken.

Amy believed that the most that would happen would be rejection. She was not prepared for what would happen the moment the door opened. And then someone opened it.

A tall blond woman with big brown eyes and a sinister smile, although she had a certain sympathy.

"May I help?". Asked the woman.

Amy was uncertain what to say for a moment. Her breath caught in her throat and goose bumps all over her body.

"Sorry about the time. I'm looking for Sheldon Cooper. But I think I've got the wrong address. Sorry" She said trying to escape the situation, turning toward the stairs to leave.

"What do you want with my boyfriend?" The blonde asked with all the possessiveness she could convey in her voice.

Amy froze instead.

_Boyfriend?_

_No. It could not be!_

"Boyfriend?" She asked more to herself than to the woman in front of her.

"Don't play tame with me," she retorted, visibly annoyed.

Amy was almost losing consciousness.

Frozen in her place she was unable to speak or even think of anything.

The door of apartment 4B opened and like an angel sent from heaven, another woman, also blonde, but a little shorter appeared.

Penny might not be smart on subjects like physics and everything. But she understood social situations like no one else. She was going to the boys' apartment just for tea and found herself in the hallway.

And then she knew who the brown-haired woman was. She didn't even need to see her face to know. And judging by the look Sarah kept on her face. She also knew somehow.

Long ago Penny accidentally caught Sheldon searching for a woman on Google. He had a distant look on his face, and as hard as he was going through a difficult time, it was strange to see him like that. Concern took her and she talked to Leonard about it. And the story he told her made her heartbroken for Sheldon.

Now in front of her was this woman. Extremely pale. And frozen in place.

She had to do something.

"Oh, Sarah! Good to see you." Penny said in a clearly mocking, sarcastic tone. No one in the group could stand Sarah.

"Spare me that, Penny." Sarah said before closing the door in the face of the two women in the hallway. As brave as she was to push Sheldon away from any other woman, she had already learned that measuring strength with Penny was dangerous.

"Is everything alright, sweetie?" She asked Amy, who was still trying to process everything that had just happened.

Amy just stared at Penny with wide eyes. No coherent thoughts or phrases formed. She looked like a living statue. The first signs of panic were manifesting.

Penny touched her shoulder and she seemed to wake up. Her breathing shallow.

"Are you okay?" Penny asked again.

"I... I need to go!" Amy said before running downstairs, letting Penny wonder what the hell had just happened there.

* * *

Hope you liked this chapter!

Any idea about what Amy was hiding?

Next update will come soon!

Thank you so much guys!


	4. Manipulations

**Hey guys! I'd like to say that I'm glad to be back, but not under the circunstances. My college suspended the classes because the Pandemia we're fighting and now I'm stuck at home, so I thought it would be nice to keep writing from where I stoped, so I could distract myself and lessen my anxiety. I wish you all a good read. **

* * *

MANIPULATIONS

* * *

_Sheldon had always admired the expression that Amy had on her face when she was keeping all her focus and concentration on something. Especially when she was learning something new. It was incredible._

_The lines on her face gracefully showed all the effort she put together to complete the task at hand. It was coincidentally the same expression she kept when trying to solve a difficult problem. He could almost see smoke coming out of her ears. And well, he loved it._

_He had never felt this way about anyone._

_Obviously, there were people for whom he had deep admiration. However, this was a completely new type. There was something else, but it was difficult for him to describe the feeling. Something deliciously different. Sweet and at the same time desperate._

_Bittersweet, one could say._

_While he felt happy and warm inside when she gave some wit answer and then winked at him in a flirtatious way, he was ecstatic with some insinuations she made. But that had become a game that they had unconsciously learned to play. After all, he also had his ways of flirting and smirking and making her blush an adorable shade of pink._

_And he was almost certain that she also felt the same way._

_It had been almost six months since they had met and since then they had not been able to spend a day away from each other. He was almost certain that he was in love._

_And if there was anyone in the world that Sheldon Cooper could fall in love with, it was uniquely Amy Farrah Fowler._

_The afternoons of that last week had been spent in the garage. The two were engaged in taking the first place trophy at the Science fair. They had ideas; they made projects; they had better ideas; more projects... Laugh, talk, flirt... Mostly flirt! It was even comical. The game of shy looks. Flushed cheeks. The smiles. They created a dance and danced in an attractive and fun game._

_He had simply lost all attention to what he was doing to watch her solder the wire to the small plasma globe they were building. He was smiling without even realizing it._

_She suddenly raised her head and caught him staring. But instead of being intimidated, she raised her right eyebrow as if she were questioning something and uttered a joke that made her instantly regret it._

_"I must look beautiful for you to be looking at me like that." She laughed, after all it was just a joke._

_"You bet you are". He said, his serious tone shoewd that he was not kidding in that regard._

_She blushed under the intensity of his gaze and turned her attention to the task at hand, seeking to divert the subject._

_"You know. Welding wires can be more difficult than it looks like." She coughed and he chuckled._

_"Girls". He scoffed._

_"Hey! Don't be sexist." She warned. "I bet you weren't that successful the first time you tried to do that." She didn't risk looking at him. Meeting that look again would be dangerous, he was teasing her and she knew it. Although neither of them really understood what was going on between them._

_"I am just kidding". He replied. "But you know, Sheldon Cooper excel at everything."_

_She exhaled in irritation._

_"So come here, Mr. Excellency, and help me solder these wires."_

_"Your request is an order, Miss." He said in the most gentle and provocative tone he could, causing a strange shiver that spread through Amy's body._

_In two moments he got up and walked around the table, stopping beside her and placing his hand on the lower part of her back. She froze and her brain short-circuited. Those touches and constant closeness between the two would still drive her crazy._

_"You're doing it wrong". He said as if she didn't already know._

_"Oh, really. I hadn't realized." Her sarcastic tone passed over Sheldon. "Tell me what I'm doing wrong"._

_"You have to hold the protected part of the cable while welding the exposed part". She did as he said and for a few moments she started to do it right. Until he started to draw small circles with his fingers where his hand connected to the small of her back._

_She closed her eyes, enjoying the sensation. Two seconds later she jumped back when her index finger touched the hot and already welded part of the wires._

_"Damn it". She exclaimed._

_Sheldon had taken some distance as he too got scared. But he started to laugh when he saw Amy with a burnt finger in her mouth._

_"Don't you dare laugh at my face". She said after letting go of her finger, but she was also laughing, leaning against the table behind her._

_The two laughed for long moments. And Amy was forced to rest her hands on the table so as not to lose her balance. After the laughter ceased, the two faced each other again. And she felt the tremor come over her again._

_Why did she feel the world spin every time he looked at her like that?_

_"Is everything okay, Amy?" He came over and looked at her hand, referring to the burnt finger._

_"No". She looked at him directly. And it was clear that she was not talking about the finger, but about something else._

_He answered nothing, but his countenance twitched in doubt. While she was apparently trying to group her thoughts. His eyes were closed and his head was nodding as if something was wrong._

_"I- I don't know what's going on, Sheldon" she started, "I've been feeling things... Things I've never felt before" ..._

_"You are sick?" He was visibly concerned, and unconsciously his hand rested on her face. Immediately her eyes opened and she felt everything inside her contract and an intense heat spread through her body when their eyes met. Her legs wavered with the intensity of his gaze and the proximity between the two bodies that seemed increasingly recurrent._

_"No," she said with a quick, shallow exhale._

_"So what is it?" He asked, although deep inside he already knew what it was about, after all, he was also feeling things..._

_For five seconds, her eyes shifted from his gaze to his lips. He felt a sudden cool in his belly, and a delicious chill ran down his spine._

_"Amy..." His voice was a slight sigh. He didn't even know if it was a warning or a wish he had conveyed. Maybe both._

_But she seemed to understand the second way. Or perhaps she herself was so overcome with desire that it was almost impossible to contain herself. Still propped up with both hands on the table behind her, she slowly leaned forward, closing the distance between them and keeping both lips less than millimeters apart. She could feel his breath in shallow breaths of air on her own lips. His eyes were already closed, anticipating the feel of her lips on his own._

_How long had he been wondering what it would feel like?_

_And now she was there._

_Mere millimeters apart._

_He let his thumb contour her sweet, attractive lips. As if he was drawing them in his own imagination. Although he already knew them by heart. His memory conjured them up in his dreams almost every night since the first day he saw her._

_Her lips, her smile, the sparkle of her eyes... The gold that surrounded the iris and merged with the green in such a natural and different way._

_He had already memorized and learned every feature of her face. But he was increasingly surprised. Each day she seemed to be even more radiant. More beautiful..._

_Using his tongue to moisten his lips and uselessly restrain himself, he took a deep breath and slowly took her bottom lip between his own, and although he already knew every detail of them, the feeling of touching them that way was something completely new._

_It was like the first spring sunshine after a harsh winter. It had the promise of hope with it._

_Sheldon felt his legs weaken given the intensity of the feeling._

_After long seconds he released her. Both still feeling the impact of the brief kiss on their bodies. Shallow breathing and heart beating as if they had run a marathon. And although they were short of breath, both lips seeking each other like two magnets._

_There was tenderness, there was insecurity, and the sensation of fire burning the face in a pleasant way. A completely new feeling for the two young beings who were giving their first kiss._

* * *

Sheldon was sitting in what everyone with whom he had a close relationship knew as being his spot on the couch in apartment 4A at 2311 Los Robles, his residence. He was desperately trying to understand what exactly was going on.

Was he dreaming? Or maybe he was under the effect of some drug that someone put in his food?

Yes, it was an absurd idea. But even more surreal was the fact that after so many years he found the only person he was able to love; in a romantic way. He had never forgotten her. And it wasn't because of his memory. But the fact that he was never the same after the Hurricane Amy Farrah Fowler went through his life as a teenager.

He remembered, the exact moment when he realized that she had bewitched him.

Body and soul.

And now, Amy was back. Sheldon thought.

He was still trying to find himself in the midst of the confusion that had been his life of late.

But God, how he had missed her.

God, and He alone, knew how much Sheldon wished day after day, each night, every measly second of his life, for the last fourteen years that Amy would come back into his life. If that God really existed, he probably would have felt sorry for Sheldon's misery, and sent Amy back to him.

For that he was grateful.

The memories flooded his mind in such a way that he seemed to relive the moments he had lived so many years ago. The happiness in his heart seemed to make everything even more intense.

It was so strange to feel something like that after so much time feeling the effects of the chaos that was surrounding his life. And truth be told, Sheldon hated having to deal with this. He felt hopeless for so many years. Lately he felt that his life was rolling down the hill and nothing could stop it.

But now, he knew that Amy was back in his life. And maybe she could to stop the fall.

There was new hope.

And he knew exactly the next steps needed to make her stay permanently this time.

* * *

There was someone knocking on the door and he didn't have to open it to know who it was.

Sarah.

There were some things that needed to be resolved. Time was past. He knew that. He always knew that any relationship with any other woman would be a mistake. Especially with Sarah. He never knew the reason behind his decision to accept the theoretical physics' onslaughts, but she was always willing to nurture all of his wishes and perhaps that was a sufficient reason.

From the beginning, his greatest interest in her had always been her work in the theoretical field of physics. She, on the other hand, had other intentions from the beginning.

But he never cared much about her. She was more like a personal assistant than his girlfriend since they didn't have a physical relationship, much less an emotional one. She didn't even participate in the dinners with her friends, after all, no one could stand her. Not even Sheldon. That is why the Relationship Agreement was made with the sole intention of keeping her at arm's length at the same time that she did all his wills.

She never seemed to care much. Despite trying her best to make it clear that she had hopes for the relationship to evolve, Sheldon always made a point to make his own intentions clear.

Now, however, he was firm in his decision. He always knew that dating her would be a mistake. And he had often felt bad for her. He knew that what he was doing to her was wrong, that as much as he made his intentions clear, the mere fact of having a Relationship Agreement with her was perhaps sufficient reason for her to keep her hopes up.

And even though at the end of all of this he were unable to resume a relationship with Amy, what he was doing was not certain.

So, now was the time to make things right.

Sheldon went to the door, opening it and giving Sarah space to enter.

The blonde entered with suspicion in her eyes. Certain that something serious was going on. She had never seen such determination in Sheldon's eyes. Nether in his messages. So, a strange feeling set in when she received the message half an hour ago.

"Can you come over to my apartment now? I made a serious decision and I need to talk to you." S.

He had never been so direct and at the same time so vague about his decisions and much less shared something so immediately with her.

Usually she was the last one to know.

"Did you want to talk to me?" She asked straight to the point.

Sheldon did not hesitate to look her in the eye. "Yes".

"Did you say in the message that you made a decision? Regarding what?" She was standing in the middle of the room with her arms crossed under her breasts

"Regarding our relationship". She said nothing, just looked at him with some apprehension, then Sheldon continued, "We have been together for two years, I figured it was time to start taking things a little more seriously." He went to his desk and opened the drawer, taking out two stapled sheets of paper.

At his words, Sarah was filled with hope, a smile broke out on her face and she wasn't sure what to say. She had waited years for that, which she thought was the moment she had been waiting for.

"Sheldon, I ...". She, however, couldn't finish her sentence. He turned and held the sheets out towards her.

"I need you to sign the end of the Relationship Agreement". He went straight.

"WHAT?". She exclaimed in surprise.

"I believe I was clear". Sheldon continued with the leaves still spread.

"But why?" She searched his eyes for anything to show that this was not the decision he wanted to make, even though she knew she would find only the confirmation of his words there. "Sheldon, say you feel something for me!" She begged.

"I can't," he said. "Sarah, I believe you know that I don't feel, and I never felt anything for you other than professional admiration."

But she didn't seem to be satisfied with the answer she received. In a desperate and thoughtless impulse, she came over and kissed him forcefully. Sheldon just opened his eyes wide and could not react. His mind in a kind of terrifying short circuit with the first feelings of Panic giving signals. As soon as she released him, his mind was strenuous.

"Say you felt something?" She begged once more.

Sheldon grew paler and paler as bile rose rapidly to his throat, a retching he had never felt.

"Excuse me a moment". He said before running out to the bathroom, opening the toilet lid and pouring all the contents of his stomach there. He vomited for long, seemingly endless minutes. For a moment he believed he heard someone knocking on the apartment's front door, but he wasn't sure, the vomit kept coming, and he couldn't get out of there in that situation.

After a time when the situation seemed to have stabilized, he got up, closing the toilet lid again and flushing it. And then he went to the sink to brush his teeth and use a mouthwash.

Twice.

Altogether, he had spent about fifteen minutes in the bathroom. When he returned, Sarah was sitting in the middle seat on the couch with papers in hand. Sheldon stayed behind the chair next to the sofa to guard against any unexpected attacks.

"Don't worry". She said. "I will not kiss you again". And depositing the papers on the table, she added, "they are signed, as you requested".

"Thanks". He said clearly relieved that he didn't need to get into an argument.

"I wouldn't be so relieved." She warned. "I may have signed the term, Sheldon Cooper, but I certainly didn't give up on you."

"I'm sorry, but I didn't fall in love with you in the two years we were together. And I just threw up after you kissed me, Sarah. You certainly have more self-love than that." He said in astonishment.

"Whatever". She said before getting up and heading for the door.

"You will still be mine". Was her final word.

She left before Sheldon could answer anything. And leaving him with the feeling that something had changed significantly in the fifteen minutes he had been in the bathroom.

* * *

On Wednesday, Penny decided to pay Leonard a surprise visit at lunch. She was making sales at a clinic near Caltech and decided to just show up.

But it was she who would be taken by surprise.

Not by Leonard, however.

They were both walking towards the cafeteria, and just outside the entrance Penny saw a familiar face pass by with her head down with a bag of food in her hands.

It was the same face she had seen two days ago, and the distress didn't seem to have left her. It seemed that she walked as if she didn't want to be seen. But Penny would now recognize that face anywhere.

Amy Farrah Fowler's face.

"Honey, don't you want to wait in line while I go to the bathroom in no time?" Penny said to Leonard, without giving him time to reply.

Penny followed her down the halls until she was out of sight in the biology ward.

But it was not difficult to find her. Her name was written on the sign on one of the doors at the end of the hall.

"Amy?" The neuroscientist heard her name followed by a light knock on the already open door.

She turned just enough to see the same blonde who had helped her a few days ago.

"I know you don't know me". The blonde said, "but can we talk?".

Amy remained paralyzed looking at the woman at the door. She really didn't know how to proceed. How had she found her? Had she said something to Sheldon about her looking for him? What kind of relationship did she have with him?

"I promise it will be quick. It's just... I was really worried about you." She kept saying "you didn't look well that day".

"How did you find me?". Amy let out, more sharply than she intended.

"Oh, I wasn't chasing you or anything. I swear." Penny said finally realizing that Amy was probably scared. "I'm Penny. Sheldon's best friend's fiancée."

"Does Sheldon know I was in the building that day?" Amy asked really concerned.

"No. He has no idea." Penny reassured her.

"So, how did you find me?"

"Leonard, my fiancé, works here. I just saw you at the cafeteria minutes ago." Penny saw the neurobiologist finally relax.

"Okay". Amy said. "What do you want to talk about?".

Penny took a few tentative steps into the lab and stopped just a few feet away from Amy.

"I was worried about you, dear." Penny said sincerely.

Dear? It had certainly taken Amy by surprise. Few people in her life have treated her that way. The fact that it came from a complete stranger was even more surprising. She was uncertain what to answer. After all, she didn't even know the woman in front of her. Penny, was that her name?

"Penny, is it?" She asked.

"Yes". The blonde with a pixel haircut smiled kindly.

"Well, thank you so much, really, for the concern. But I'm fine." Amy smiled back, although her statement was a complete lie. She was anything but fine.

"I'm not going to pressure you." Penny said, evidently realizing the lie. But she didn't expect Amy to open up to a complete stranger. Still, she couldn't help but try. "If you want to talk, anytime, look for me". She took a business card out of the bag and placed it on the counter and turned to go. She was halfway there when Amy called her.

"Wait". She turned.

"Yes?".

"How's Sheldon doing?" She asked.

Penny smiled to herself and pondered the answer for a few seconds. She didn't know what had really happened between them in the past. But the woman in front of him seemed as much a victim of the situation as he was.

"He's waiting for you to come back." She said.

That answer seemed strange.

"But what about his girlfriend?" She asked really confused.

"His ex-girlfriend." Penny corrected, "They broke up that day." She said trying to disguise her contentment.

Amy was surprised, to say the least, with that sentence. Why would they have broken up?

"You're sure that Sheldon doesn't know that I looked for him on Monday, right?" Amy asked, failing to notice that there was a third person at the door.

Penny didn't have time to answer. A very familiar voice came from behind her before she could open her mouth.

"Did you look for me?" Said Sheldon, and then noticing the blonde's presence in the lab he was surprised. "Penny, what are you doing here?"

* * *

**I hope this terrible time could end sooner. It's crazy right?**

**I send you all my love and pray every day for this to end. But, meanwhile this doesn't happen, I hope this chapter could make your day a bit better...**

**I'll be back soon. XOXO**


	5. All We Need is Hope

**Hey! Here I'm again. From the bottom of my heart I hope you all are safe and sound, as well as your loved ones!**

**I'd like to thank you for the responses I've receiving. The reviews, followers and favorites. All of them. Thank you. **

**Hope you like this chapter, is a very emotional and heavy one. **

**Just leaving a trigger warner here about Obstetric Violence. **

All We Need is Hope

"Did you look for me?" Said Sheldon, and then noticing the blonde's presence in the lab he was surprised. "Penny, what are you doing here?"

A strange silence settled in the room and none of the three knew how to react to that situation that seemed to have taken everyone by surprise. While Amy looked from Penny to Sheldon trying to understand how things had gotten so strange so fast, Sheldon looked at the two of them in total bewilderment. Then it was up to Penny to try to fix the situation.

"Sheldon, do you know Amy?" and turning to Amy she asked pretending to be surprised, "Amy, why didn't you tell me you knew Sheldon?"

"Don't pretend to be surprised, Penny!" Sheldon said. "I overheard Amy asking if I knew she had looked for me. What's going on here?" He questioned.

Neither could find an answer. Penny because she didn't want to put Amy in a difficult situation and Amy simply because she was paralyzed, her mind had become a huge blankness and she couldn't even think, let alone intervene with any solution.

"Sheldon, you have no right to break into a conversation in a laboratory that doesn't belong to you and demand answers like that." It was the best solution that Penny found.

"Oh, please, Penny! You live meddling where you are not called", he sneered.

Both were startled when suddenly, Amy rested both hands on the counter to avoid falling. Her face was extremely pale and covered with a thin layer of sweat that had started to drip slowly, her breathing was obviously labored. Sheldon immediately ran to her side in an attempt to help her.

He guided her to the nearest chair he found and helped her to sit.

"Amy, I need you to tell me what you're feeling," he said as calmly as he could. Which took Penny completely by surprise.

In all the years she had known him, she had never seen him act so calm in a situation like this. He didn't even come close to someone who was sick, much less help someone who was in need of help.

But there was something else. The tender way he touched her...

Penny always knew that behind all the stubbornness and weirdness he showed there was a man with a huge heart and who would help someone in need without hesitation, at least his closest friends. And now she saw it confirmed before her very eyes.

However, the way he looked at her while putting behind her ear a lock of hair that had come off her ponytail and mixed with the sweat dripping from her forehead, was so careful that it looked like he was touching the most fragile and rarer art. It was certainly the look of a man in love.

A completely new look for Sheldon Cooper. But at the same time so sincere.

And powerful.

Back to reality, Penny assessed Amy's symptoms.

She might not be a doctor. But she had studied enough medicine leaflets to understand that it was an anxiety attack. Or panic. She wasn't sure exactly which one. But she decided to treat it as the first option.

"I think she's having an anxiety attack, Sheldon." Penny said trying to keep her cool.

Sheldon had already noticed that the symptoms were the same, but he didn't know her medical history to conclude with such certainty.

He tried to lift her up, but her legs were like gelatin and did little to keep her upright. He urgently needed to take her to the University's ward. He looked around the room trying to find something that could be of help.

"Penny, bring that chair and help me sit Amy on it." He pointed to a swivel chair that was in one corner of the lab.

Together they helped Amy into the other chair and pushed her out of the room toward the door to the biology ward. Luckily, the University's infirmary was closer to the biology wing than any other department.

The moment they walked through the door; the commotion caught the attention of one of the nurses who ran to help.

From her appearance, Sheldon estimated that she was in her fifties. Expression lines evident, but not so marked. Only the root of her hair was white, which gave the impression that she still dyed the strands. Sheldon saw a cross dangling from her neck the moment she bent down to take Amy's pulse, who continued to breathe shallowly. Something about that woman reminded him of his mother. And he could feel the calm wash his inside instantly.

"What happened to her?" she asked in a manner so calm and yet so efficient, that it was possible to see her years of experience in that sentence alone.

Sheldon could only look at her, but at that moment no words seemed to be formulated enough to come out of his mouth.

"We believe she's having an anxiety or panic attack, we're not sure," Penny answered for him.

The nurse turned and entered a room, returning seconds later with a wheelchair. Together, the three changed Amy's chairs again. The nurse took the lead this time.

"What is her name?" the nurse asked.

"Amy Fowler" Sheldon replied finally finding his voice.

"I will take her to the doctor on duty. In the meantime, I need one of you to go to the counter and fill out the form, okay? I'll be back in a few minutes as soon as she's stabilized", was all she said before pushing her chair to the end of a corridor and disappearing inside.

Sheldon just looked at the spot where the nurse had disappeared with Amy without any reaction. Just a lost look that said so much and nothing at the same time.

Penny addressed him with the intention of saying something like "everything will be fine" when her cell phone started to vibrate inside her purse. Which also caught Sheldon's attention.

She unzipped it, and fished the device out of the bag, noticing immediately that it was Leonard who was calling. Penny had completely forgotten that she had left Leonard at the cafeteria. She looked at Sheldon with a question that he understood.

"You can go to see him if you want. In the meantime, I fill out the papers". He barely gave her the chance to respond before walking away.

Twenty minutes passed before the doctor was able to calm Amy down. She instructed her with some breathing exercises, until she could catch her breath. But the shaking insisted on continuing.

"So, tell me, Amy. What are you feeling?". The doctor went ahead before prescribing any medication.

In a still trembly and hoarsely voice she replied, "Despite having recovered my breath, I still feel my whole chest ache. I feel weak".

"Right. Has anything happened that may have triggered this crisis?" the doctor continued.

"Yes, it did." Amy answered, not caring to elaborate.

The doctor's eyes narrowed as if she suspected something. "It wasn't the first time, was it?"

Amy already knew from her tone that it would be no use lying or denying. She just remained silent.

"When was the last time?", The doctor continued to inquire while writing down some things on a chart.

"Last Monday," she sighed looking around, looking for something she didn't know exactly what it was. Maybe a hole to hide from that situation.

"I'm not going to pressure you," the doctor said, putting her hand on Amy's. When she looked in the doctor's direction, she took it as a signal to continue, "listen, it's okay not to be okay".

Amy laughed scornfully at the doctor's words. It was nothing all right. Much longer than she was able to define, nothing was right. At some point everything started to go terribly wrong.

"I am a neuroscientist; I am above these things". She lied. Much more to herself than to the doctor.

The doctor looked at her gently and a small friendly smile appeared on her lips.

"I can see that you are an intelligent woman, Amy." She said, "But... you know, understanding how the brain works, it doesn't always mean you know how to deal with your own traumas. Nor the problems."

Amy looked at her with wide eyes. How the hell did that woman know she had trauma?

From the look on Amy's face, the doctor could deduce that she had touched a weak spot.

"You have been suffering for a long time, Amy, haven't you? I can tell from your look. Your boyfriend too". She said gently.

"Pardon me, my boyfriend?" she asked confused.

"Yes, Dr. Cooper, his name. That man who brought you and is waiting outside". The doctor said going back to taking notes on the form just to give Amy privacy to digest the information.

"He is not my boyfriend". Amy said dryly.

"Oh, sorry. I assumed he was. He was so worried about you. When he came to bring the file, he tried to get in, but he was so scared that I was afraid of having to help him too". The attempt at humor passed by Amy.

"Is he still out there?" She questioned visibly concerned.

"He is. Do you want me to call him?" The doctor looked over her glasses.

"No. You don't have to".

"Okay". Then detaching a sheet from a pad, she held out in Amy's direction. "I am prescribing a medication for you to take now, but you will need to go home as it can make you a little sleepy. Preferably ask your friend to take you or call a taxi".

"What is?" Amy asked trying to understand what was written on the recipe.

"Clonazepam". At Amy's look of protest the doctor added, "It's not the first time you've had a crisis this week. Furthermore, it will act only as a soothing".

"Okay". Amy said staring at the recipe, before getting up and saying thanks, heading towards the door. Surely, she wasn't going to take it.

"Amy" the doctor called back. When Amy turned around, she said, "It is not a shame to seek help".

Amy just nodded before leaving the office.

Sheldon was sitting outside the office. His restless feet hit the ground with speed and his gaze strayed to a clock on the top of the parallel wall every ten seconds. The hour did not pass more quickly, however.

H mind was boiling like never before.

Penny had revealed the whole truth to him before going to see Leonard.

"Sheldon", she had sat down next to him and put a hand on his shoulder. He was looking at nothing. His look contemplative. He looked at her and she encouraged herself to go on, "you should know... Amy looked for you on Monday".

"I thought as much," he replied and looked down at the floor, which had suddenly become interesting. "But how do you know?" For some reason he felt he could deduce the answer.

"I saw her. I was going to your apartment when I came across her and Sarah in the hall."

"Sarah?" He was confused, but not surprised. Something inside him already knew that. When Sarah left his apartment that day, he noticed that something seemed to be strange, although he didn't know exactly what.

"Yes," Penny allowed the information to stay on the air for a few minutes so that Sheldon could process what she was saying. "I don't know exactly what happened. But Sarah was angry and Amy looked... terrified, to say the least," she explained. He just nodded for her to go on, "Sarah closed the door on us. I tried to help her, but she ran. And then, I saw her today".

"I got it". It was all that Sheldon said. Whatever confusion Sarah had made, he had a feeling it was going to be difficult to fix. But he was willing, take as long as it took. He wouldn't let happiness slip through his fingers again.

Not again.

He took a deep breath, letting the air out of his lungs with even more intensity.

Penny just watched him closely. The whole situation making her increasingly intrigued and surprised. She had never - never - seen him so shaken by anyone. Let alone a woman. The fact that he was so motivated by her was shocking. Unbelievable even.

Not only curiosity, but concern, was eating her alive. She couldn't try to understand the situation anymore. Someone would have to tell her what was going on. And that person would be Sheldon.

"Where do you know Amy from, Sheldon?" she inquired carefully, exposing in her voice all the concern she was feeling.

Sheldon gave a small laugh with mild scorn. And Penny could say that he himself, was the reason for such disdain.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you." His tone of self-deprecation was evident.

"Try me". She said simply, with a gentleness in her voice that he found comforting.

Sheldon took another deep breath, in an attempt to gather what little energy he had left to keep him from crying. As always, whenever he touched that sensitive part of his past. His unhealed wounds appeared to be reopened again. Exposing them to someone could be extremely painful.

"She was my first girlfriend." He said. But it was the following sentences that amazed her in a completely different way. "My first friend. My first kiss. My first time..." if he wanted Penny to understand everything, he knew he would have to tell her all that happened, he thought, "She was my first everything, Penny. My one and only".

Penny couldn't hide her shock. He was the same Sheldon she knew, right?

Sheldon Cooper.

Her neighbor and friend with obsessive compulsive disorder, mysophobia and a huge difficulty understanding human relationships.

"Sheldon, I know that your relationship with Sarah was not physical, but I never thought that you...".

"Were not a virgin?" he completed for her. "I'm not".

"That's not it, Sheldon." Penny closed her eyes trying to understand her own thoughts. "I have known you for so many years and yet, you never told me about it, that you had a real relationship. And that... you loved her... truly loved her," she said, still not believing the situation. "Not even the boys know that, do they?"

"No, they don't." He then got up and started pacing the waiting room. When he stopped in a corner of the room, Penny went after him. She looked at him with such affection, and there was so much support in just one look. Sheldon felt compelled to tell her the truth of his misery.

"I never stopped loving her, Penny. I was afraid that if I told anyone they would insist on getting me a girlfriend, or think less of me. It's been fourteen years and I couldn't forget it".

"But what about Sarah?" She asked, but there was only understanding in her eyes.

"I don't know either". He rubbed his head in exasperation, clearly noticing his mistake. "I've always admired her work and I thought that maybe… that maybe I could try, Leonard was so happy with you, even Howard had someone and… I was jealous. I missed Amy. I wished she was with me. When Sarah started flirting with me, I thought that maybe I could try it little by little. But over time she turned out to be a horrible person and I felt like I was replacing Amy. That's why I never let this relationship evolve. I still wonder why I didn't finish it all before, but deep down I think I got used to her presence. As horrible as it was".

Penny was still trying to make sense of it all. She never thought she would live to see the day that Sheldon would be so open with such a painful thing. But here he was. Visibly desperate and in love.

After that, Penny told him it would be okay and that he and Amy could still work things out, even after so long.

Now he waited impatiently for Amy to come out of that door and he could look into her emerald eyes once again. He hadn't slept a night since he found out she was back.

Jesus, how he had missed her.

Having her around made him feel like the hope itself was there.

The office door opened and Amy appeared. Looking down and visibly sheepish.

Their eyes then met. Thousands of thoughts at thousands of miles an hour. Amy approached slowly, thinking about what to say. But no words came, only shame. Fear. Apprehension.

Fault.

Sheldon chose to break the silence for her.

"Are you alright?" he asked, visibly distressed by the wait. And out of concern.

Amy nodded.

"Thanks. For helping me". She said genuinely, although she tried desperately not to look at him. He stood up and took a step towards her.

"I hope you are better" and in an unthinking act he reached her hand that was free. She immediately looked at him. There were so many emotions in his eyes which seemed to reflect her own that she was almost having another crisis. "What did the Dr. say?"

"Nothing". She released her hand and used both of them to hold the paper.

Sheldon tried not to be upset about this. Perhaps she was ashamed. Or scared. After all, he had no idea what Sarah had said to her.

"Are you sure?" he asked though.

"I... I'm sorry, but I really don't want to talk about it, Dr. Cooper."

Sheldon felt a knife being driven deep into his heart. The damage done was more serious than he could have imagined. But maybe he deserved it. He spent so much time deceiving someone, and himself, that perhaps the universe was throwing it back at him.

"I understand". He replied, trying to hide the disappointment in his voice. "Can I at least accompany you back to your lab?"

There was so much pain and hope in his voice that Amy, again, felt guilty. She shouldn't be letting him help her. Not after all that happened.

"Okay", she said however.

They walked in an almost uncomfortable silence. Pondering what to say to each other, there seemed to be no safe topic to discuss. Eventually they looked at each other when the other seemed to be distracted. When they reached her laboratory, they stopped in front of the door.

Amy was ready to say thanks again and enter. But Sheldon seemed to have other plans.

"Can we talk inside?" He asked indicating the room, and at Amy's protest look, he added, "it will be quick, I promise."

For some reason Amy couldn't seem to say no to him.

"Okay," she said and before entering she nodded for him to come in too.

Upon entering, he closed the door. Which tore Amy's eyes wide.

"Don't worry. I just don't want anyone to come in and overhear the conversation. In fact, I want to tell you that whatever Sarah told you, don't worry. I am not with her. Not anymore". He said softly looking at her with something in his eyes that Amy had seen so many times over fourteen years ago.

"I don't know what you're talking about". Amy tried to get away from it.

"I know you looked for me, Amy. And that Sarah said something to you, although I don't know what," he sighed deeply trying to build up the courage to bring out his biggest concern. "Did she threaten you in any way, Amy?" He called her by her first name, completely ignoring the distance she had tried to create between the two by calling him by his title.

The neuroscientist's eyes widened anew at that question.

"No. She didn't threaten me. Don't you worry". Amy looked him in the eye to show that what she was saying was the truth. "Penny showed up as soon as she opened the door and then she closed it."

"It makes me relieved," Sheldon said, visibly more relaxed. "But I would like to know, why did you come to me?" He took a step, leaving the two of them less than half a meter from each other. Amy's breath caught in her chest in apprehension, but he didn't try to get any closer.

"I... I don't know." She said sincerely. The moment she left her home that day, she really didn't know what she was going to say to him. Was she really hoping that the two would resume their relationship immediately after so many years? Why on the day that they met again and he went to talk to her, hadn't he said he had a girlfriend? Perhaps this was not the time to ask these questions.

The love she felt for him had not passed through all these years. On the contrary, being in front of him at that moment made her heart contract in a painful way. And from the way he looked at her, she suspected that he, too, loved her as much as fourteen years ago. But were they ready to get back?

She was sure that if they did get back, he would ask her why she had made that decision so many years ago. And she just wasn't ready to answer this question.

If she ever would be.

Perhaps the Dr. was right. Maybe she really had a problem getting over her trauma. And truth be told, she was full of them. Maybe it was time to stop running away from her problems.

It was time to seek help.

Sheldon looked at her intently, as he used to do when they were two teenagers in love who didn't have to worry about anything in the world.

"It's okay, Amy." He said, "we... it's been so many years..." there was something trying to get down his throat, but it was stuck and his voice came out broken.

"Yes. I think I has.". She agreed and rested a hand on the counter.

"I... I just want you to know... You never stopped being important to me", he put his hand over hers again, leaving her apprehensive for a moment. "But we can still be good friends. We've always been good at that".

"We can". Amy said in a choked voice. She knew he wanted a lot more than that, but she also knew that _he_ knew they both needed to take things more slowly. It would be confusing and awkward to get back together so immediately.

"Great," his voice was clearly relieved. "So," he said, taking his hand off hers. Amy missed the warmth of the contact immediately, "Siebert wants us to work together on the University's social project."

"Yeah. I know". She answered.

"What do you think about looking for him tomorrow morning to talk about it?"

It was really happening. She thought. She and Sheldon had really been reunited. One was back in the other's life.

Somehow life had brought them back together.

With broken hearts whose pieces they were still trying to collect and put where they belong. Perhaps now they could help each other to put the pieces in place. Together they might be able to find a remedy that would heal the wounds of the past. Perhaps one was the other's medicine. The other's cure.

"It sounds like a great idea".

At the end of the day, Amy was restless.

She still felt weak and exhausted after such a troubled day. Results of both an anxiety crisis and a visit to a past so painful that had not yet been left behind and still troubled her every minute of her day.

It was about time to face it. Amy thought.

It was time to face her demons head on before they overcame her with fatigue. It was past time.

She opened her laptop to try to do some research. But none of the results presented caught her attention. Perhaps it was the fear that was preventing her from making that decision. As if fate was sending a signal, someone knocked on the door.

It was the infirmary doctor who had seen her earlier.

Amy froze.

Earlier, when she entered the doctor's office, she didn't have time to think about the situation. She only realized that she was being helped by a doctor when her heart started to slow down. The danger alert did not sound in her head, for some strange reason. In the past few years, she had avoided as much as she could to meet with doctors. She no longer felt safe with them.

However, this doctor gave her security in some way.

Amy could tell that she had recently graduated. She was still very young.

"Dr. Fowler, can we talk?" She asked. Even with the voices inside her head saying no, Amy accepted.

"Okay, come in." She said.

The doctor came in. And Amy offered one of the chairs for her to sit on. When the two were face to face, Amy asked. "How can I help you, Doctor...? Sorry I don't know your name?".

"Emma. Emma Bennet. But please call me Emma," she said amiably.

"Okay, Emma. What do you want to talk about?" Amy asked.

"Well, I would like to offer you help, Amy." She leaned forward, looking Amy in the eye.

"Help?". Amy feigned misunderstanding.

"Yes, Amy, help." She didn't answer, just looked at her with some uncertainty. She had learned not to trust doctors. They always blamed her. Always. And now this doctor was trying to offer help. For what? To also say that it was her fault?

"Listen. With all due respect, Dr. Bennet, but I don't need any help. I'm fine, okay?" Amy said more sharply than she intended, panic setting in again.

"You suffered some medical violence, didn't you?" The doctor asked, without judgment in her voice. Something that made Amy uncomfortable and safe at the same time. Both feelings struggling to take place.

"Why would you think that?" Amy tried to occupy herself by keeping and organizing the Beckers that had been washed that afternoon.

"You are a neuroscientist, Amy." Emma said, "Why would a person in that field give up medical help, knowing the importance of medicine in someone's life?"

"Exactly, I am a neurobiologist. I am above psychological problems". There was a certain purpose to Amy's tone and words to the doctor. But she was still not convinced.

"You know this is not true." She countered. And Amy turned fully to her.

"What do you want me to tell you?" She crossed her arms, visibly irritated. But her gaze showered vulnerability.

Emma realized that perhaps she had crossed her line. As a doctor she knew that she should respect the limits of her patients. And although she really wanted to be able to help Amy, she knew that she might not be the best person to offer her help. It was evident that Amy had a problem with doctors, she had noticed this the moment she started to regain consciousness after the anxiety crisis. She had a wall around her.

Her claim that being a neuroscientist she was above any mental problem did not seem to be true for the doctor.

She was about to get up and apologize when Amy fired.

"You doctors of medicine are all the same. It doesn't matter the specialty. I am not going to let you blame me for what happened, too".

It had taken her completely by surprise. Emma found herself being blamed for something she didn't even know what it was.

"Excuse me? Dr. Fowler, you are blaming me for something I don't even know. But your statement confirms my suspicions, you were the victim of some medical violence, weren't you?" Amy made no move to reply and Emma then continued, "I don't know what my medical colleagues did to you, but I'm not like many of them. I care, Dr. Fowler. I didn't go to college because of some status. I joined because I care about people, and I know a lot of people who care. I know you must have suffered, but don't judge me for them, judge me for me. I'm sorry for exceeding my limits, I'll leave you alone" Emma shot after getting up, "excuse me".

Amy was shocked for a few moments, the doctor's words like violent slaps on her face. Just showing her how much of a coward she was, running away from her past even though she wanted help. She knew that at some point she would have to open up to someone. And if someone was really offering her help, what harm would it do?

"Wait," Amy said for the second time that day, suddenly everyone was trying to help her and she was once again pushing people away. Because she was never able to be honest and face her problems head on. They controlled her all the time and she allowed it.

Emma, who was already at the door, turned. "Yes?". She said.

"I'm sorry," Amy said.

"It's okay, Dr. Fowler," she said, turning to the door again.

"I need help," Amy said in tears, "but... but I don't know how to ask, or who to ask for it," her sobs making it almost impossible to speak.

Emma had sympathy for her. In front of her was a woman struggling to get out of her inner demons. She walked back to Amy and helped her to sit in the chair, taking the opposite seat herself. When Amy seemed to be calmer, she said, "Why don't you start by telling me about what happened? I swear, I just want to help you".

His sincerity was latent. As latent as the harshness with which the doctors had treated her so many years ago.

"I was seventeen," Amy began, "was I pregnant, Dr. Cooper, the one who was with me today on the ward? He was the father, but he never knew I was pregnant.", Emma just nodded for her to continue, "I broke up with him when I found out. We were going to the University. I knew my destiny was ruined; I didn't want to ruin his either.

My mom and I moved out before anyone found out about the pregnancy, surely Sheldon's mom would find out and everything I did would be worthless. Anyway. We came to a city in the interior of California, where my grandmother lived. I never did prenatal care, but it was a peaceful pregnancy even. My mother would take over the child's maternity so that I could study after the baby was born.

When the day of delivery came, my water broke, my mother and I went to the hospital. I was having few contractions, there was no dilation. The doctor on duty said it was normal, that it might take a while. But the hours passed and I started to feel a lot of pain, but it continued without dilation. I told one of the nurses, who went to call the doctor again, he came, visibly irritated, measured my dilation and said that I would have to wait, that giving birth was not as easy as opening my legs to the first man who appeared in front of me . I asked him if he couldn't give me oxytocin to help, but he said it was not the case and that he was in charge of the procedure.

Many hours later I had little dilation and many contractions. They took me to the delivery room, but I had spent so many hours in pain that I had no strength. I was fasting for hours. It had been more than twenty-eight hours since I had come to the hospital. I was almost losing my senses; I was unable to force myself to push the baby. And he was lacking oxygen. They had to make a perineal incision. I passed out; I didn't see the rest of the birth". Amy lived a dichotomy between continuing to tell and crying, visiting that past always hurt her so much. Emma just looked at her with compassion and understanding, things that Amy found strange coming from a doctor.

"What happened to the baby, Amy?" she asked, sensing that something terrible was yet to come.

"When I woke up, two days later, my mother told me that oxygen had been missing for so long that the baby... my baby..." she said with great sadness and affection in her voice "he didn't survive!", And that was her breakdown. She started to cry again, the tears coming faster and faster and in greater volume. This time she was unable to speak.

Emma wrapped her arms around her, trying to comfort her. And Amy was surprised to really find comfort in a doctor's embrace.

"They said it was my fault. When I was trying to push myself, almost passing out from the pain, they said my baby was going to die and it was my fault. And my baby died. He died because of me". Emma continued to hug her, until Amy calmed down. But the tears kept coming for a long time, accompanied by sobs that seemed to take her breath away.

"Deep down, I know it's not my fault. I did nothing to put my baby's life at risk. I know I should have done prenatal care. But my mom said it could be dangerous. That anyone could find out. I know that it was not my fault that my baby did not survive, but I feel guilty about it". She said, tears were streaming quickly, but sobbing was no longer an impediment to her speech.

"Although you should have done prenatal care at that time, _they_ were responsible, Amy. The doctor had no right to have treated you the way he did, or to deny you help. They were negligent. What you suffered was obstetric violence". Emma had such compassion and sympathy that Amy was feeling bad about the way she had treated her earlier.

"I've been trying to say this to myself for the past fourteen years," Amy said, "I've been trying to get rid of a guilt that was never mine. For having alienated Sheldon from this situation; for not having done prenatal care, for getting pregnant in the first place. You know, when I came back from the hospital, my mom said that maybe life was giving me a second chance to move on. I tried to listen to that advice. I went to college, I tried to date other men, but I was never able to be myself again. I graduated, got a doctorate, started working in the field that I always wanted. But I was never able to look in the mirror the same way after that".

"I'm really, really sorry for what happened to you, Amy," Emma held on to her shoulder in support. But she knew that many therapy sessions would still be needed to help Amy move forward. "Unfortunately, what you suffered was not an isolated episode. Many women go through this, and it can happen in several ways. But I think I know how to help you". She got up and went to her purse and took out a business card and held it out to Amy.

Amy studied the card.

Dr. Amber Rodriguez Psychiatrist and psychotherapist

Below was a phone number. But what caught Amy's attention was the words at the bottom of the card: "Specialized care for women victims of domestic, sexual and obstetric violence".

"I went to her first aid lecture on types of violence against women. Obstetric violence is real, Amy". Emma said. "I looked for her at the end of the lecture and she gave me this card, I think you should look for her. She seems to be the right person to help you".

"Thank you, Emma. Really, thank you very much. And I'm sorry for treating you the way I did earlier".

"That was your Post Traumatic Stress talking, Amy. Don't worry," Emma smiled sympathetically at her. "I hope you get better". She said before leaving and let Amy deal with her own decisions.

It was now or never, Amy thought.

It was time to stop being a hostage to her past, it couldn't dictate her future. She, and only she could.

And now she was dictating that she would be happy.

**Thank you for reading. And please review! The reviews are my fuel, and they help to know if I'm doing a good job.**

**Hope you stay safe!**


	6. Repairs

**First, I would like to thank you all who asked me to update and the kind reviews I'm receiving.**

**I hope you all are well! **

**This chapter can be a trigger just as the last one. So be carefull to read!**

* * *

**Repairs**

* * *

Sheldon Cooper wanted to be happy.

Sheldon Cooper was actually scared to death.

Fear that once again his emotionally dependent behavior would ruin things. Okay so, he knew he had a problem. A very serious problem. But how could he stop it from screwing things up again?

How could he prevent past wounds from spoiling his future?

The day Amy left; Sheldon blamed himself. He blamed himself for being so emotionally dependent on everyone around him. He never knew the real reason why Amy broke up with him so many years ago, but that didn't stop him from blaming himself.

Nor to overcome such behavior.

Two months ago, he had taken a train to escape his problems. A panic alert rang in his head when Leonard then announced that he and Penny were engaged, and that they intended to move in together soon. Sheldon tried to pretend ignorance. He pretended to understand that Penny was going to live with them, not that it would be his roommate and best friend who would no longer live in the apartment with him.

Pretending ignorance about the most human things in life usually helped. People were afraid to tell him the truth, mostly because of his reactions and because Sheldon Cooper was not an easy person. This time, however, he was unsuccessful. Leonard said he would move soon. He was devastated.

Although he expected this, he was not psychologically prepared to live alone.

When his now ex-girlfriend suggested she could move in with him, Sheldon wondered why he was still with her and allowing her to nourish hope. Although Sarah was a horrible person, he still felt bad about it. For leaving implicit, unintentionally, the promise of a future, even if nothing was said. But his emotional dependence prevented him from making any decision, even more knowing that Leonard would not be around, his priority now would be Penny. And Sheldon understood that, he put himself in Leonard's place.

The days passed, and he tried his best to get on with his life, but his work was suffering the reflexes of his anguish. He hadn't been making progress in months. Leonard and Penny making plans. Sarah insistently begging to move in with him. It was too much.

So, he just took a train and ran away.

He wondered if that was why Amy had left. Was he being too much for her? His constant needs. Was he somehow suffocating her and then she gave up?

There wasn't a day when he didn't think about it. And at the end of each day he came to the conclusion that she had grown tired of him. It had become a game whose outcome was predictable.

And how would she return now? How could he win her back? The question had been the one that had weighed most heavily on his consciousness all day. Without ceasing.

Anxiety had taken him so much that at the same time that he wanted to do anything to get rid of thoughts and organize them, they also got him stuck in place, draining all his energy. It was difficult to deal with the chaos around him. Assimilate everything and draw up an action plan. Or at least one that he was sure would work.

* * *

The expedient had started about two hours ago when Sheldon heard a knock on his office door.

He knew it could only be one person.

Amy.

Earlier that day he thought of going to her lab to do what they had agreed, but he thought better of it. He should let her go to him this time. Not to play some kind of game. But he should give her space. She should start to feel comfortable looking for him and know that this time, _he _would be the one to receive her. And he would welcome her with open arms. Always.

The two would now be (re)starting a friendship that never failed to put their hearts in the right places.

He wanted more than that. They both knew. But it would take time. They would need to know and recognize themselves again. Not just each other, but themselves. And perhaps that was the most difficult part. Understand how they were, how they felt. Which would be a difficult task. They had no idea of the problems the other was going through. And they would have to deal with their own pains first of all.

Somewhere along the way they would meet again.

And with luck, maybe this time they could keep walking together.

"Come in, the door is open". Sheldon shouted.

The door opened to reveal Amy. And she looked a little bit more like the teenager he met. She wore a cardigan made of knitting. Material which he knew was her favorite. Other than that, she was different. And he took time to appreciate the _woman _she had become.

Amy from her youth was beautiful. But Amy, the woman he now had the opportunity to meet, was beautiful in a completely different way. She had become the type of woman whose intelligence was seen in her manner. It was intimidating.

She had always been an intimidating young woman, but now she had a maturity that couldn't have come in another way, if not over the years.

"Hello," she said, visibly shy. A counterpoint to her appearance. She looked tired. Had she been up all night too?

"Hello," he replied, unable to contain a slight smile. "How are you today?". He had referred to the anxiety crisis she had had the day before.

"I'm better, thanks". He was both relieved and worried. She seemed calmer, but her eyes were with a shadow that seemed not only to be the result of a sleepless night, but of a long time without really resting, of a sadness that was noticeable to those who saw her.

She still hadn't left the door. "Why don't you come in?" He asked, looking to the chair in front of his desk, then indicating for her to sit.

"I thought we were going to talk to Siebert." She said sounding surprised.

"And we will," he explained, "I just want to know how we are going to work together on this. I had some ideas. We can discuss them before we go to talk to him. It seemed to me that he wanted us to develop this together. We need to show him that we are aligned with this, after the disaster that was the meeting he tried to do that day". He was trying to use logic to have at least a few more minutes alone with her.

"OK". She came in and sat down. Unsure of what to say, she opted for silence. He had already let her look for him, maybe now he should take the next step.

"Have you ever heard of the University project?" He asked.

"No, but I have already worked on other social projects at my old university. Notable projects with people in vulnerable situations. I think that's why Siebert wanted me to participate so much, but I have no idea how it will work or what audience we will work with, he didn't go into details". She didn't look him straight in the eye and it made him nervous for some reason.

"Well, we are going to work with teenagers from a Pasadena orphanage, apparently we have to instigate them to pursue a scientific career, or facilitate their entry with a scholarship at some university in the country. This will depend on their performance, of course, so we will have to help them with that".

"Teens? At what age?" it bothered Amy. If her son had survived, he would be in that phase now. She couldn't help wondering what he would have looked like if he had survived. It was always a pain. But feeling it in Sheldon's presence was a new feeling. And guilt had once again taken her, making her throat want to close.

"From thirteen to seventeen, which is the age limit for staying in the orphanage". He replied noting her discomfort.

"I get it," she replied, trying to hide her distress. "What were your ideas?" A false cough brought the lump down her throat.

"I thought that we could integrate them directly into Caltech's labs. Teach them how daily life works in the world of science".

"This is interesting," Amy admitted. "But how will the logistics of this integration work?"

"We could apply aptitude tests. In this way they would choose the areas with which they most identify. There are only ten young people from what I heard, I think it will not be such a hard task".

Amy was thoughtful for a while. She had a hard time dealing with children. Past experiences had already proved this to her. How would she manage a project that would make her come into direct contact with young people who would be her son's age without imagining him on the face of them all?

But would she run this time? How to explain to Sheldon why to reject participation, or how to simply reject it without hurting him by it again?

She was in a billiard pool and she knew it.

Would she be strong enough to be able to do that without breaking dawn again? Without bending again to the thoughts that once led her to be drowning in the bottom of a well.

She just wished she wasn't herself at that moment.

Not to mention the situation so strange that this meeting with Sheldon was being. They were no longer the same people, but they were still the same people. It didn't make any sense. But at the same time, it made total sense.

What should she say to him? What if she said something strange? What if... what if... what if...

There were so many variables that she felt confused.

She had no fucking idea where to go from there.

And that was desperate.

"Amy, is everything okay?" Sheldon's voice brought her out of her sudden hypnosis.

"Excuse me?" she said looking directly at him this time.

"You have been looking at nothing for a considerable time. It's all right?". He asked, visibly concerned.

"Yes, it is. I was just thinking about how this is going to work. You know, I haven't worked with things like that in a while". What was she talking about?

"I get it. Try never to have worked with anything like that". Sheldon said jokingly.

"As I recall, you hate people. I will not deny that it puzzles me that you agreed to participate. Sheldon Cooper _never _does anything he doesn't want to do". She put some emphasis on the last sentence, noticing afterwards that she had given a chance for him to speak in a not so formal way to her. A chance for him to get closer.

Oh oh.

"I still hate people." He said calmly. "But sometimes we need to do things that we don't want to do. Maybe, I was forced to do that". He admitted, but he would not go into details.

"Oh, I understand". It was all she answered and he was grateful that she didn't press the issue.

"So, what do you think?". He returned to the question of logistics.

"I think it's a good plan." She smiled optimistically.

"Seriously?". Sheldon asked. "It has to work, Amy. The last few projects have not been so successful, and they will put a lot of pressure on us to make it. Do you think we can? Work on it together and make it functionate?", She wondered if he was really talking about the project or about them. Or both.

"We will never know if we don't try," she was certainly talking about both.

"Great" he looked confident, "can we go talk to Siebert, then?" He nodded.

She got up, and he followed her. They went to the door together and he opened it, letting her out first and giving in to the irresistible urge he had to put his hand on her back when she passed him. As if he were guiding her. It was so brief, mere seconds. But they both felt it.

That alarming and desperate excitement. The bristling of the skin hair starting from the backbone. Something so small, yet so significant. They denounced to themselves the will they had for each other. The spontaneous craving for touch. It took their breath away. It seemed to make it all so real. It didn't make any sense, but it made all the sense in the world.

It was simply inexplicable.

Like most things in life, it might not have to make sense. It just had to be. And that was between the trivial and the monumental they represented to each other. Everything and everything. From the simplest smile or exchanged words. Whether it was a "hi" or an "I love you", a forgotten detail or something that could change their life forever. That feeling never changed. It had become part of them like the cells in their skin. And the air that kept them alive. They both knew, deep inside, that they would meet again. Because there are loves that just don't die.

And maybe because of everything Amy has been through, she was the one who understood it the most.

That morning the two spoke to Siebert, who was almost convinced that it was better to choose someone else to replace Sheldon. But the physicist was determined not to miss this chance.

"You seem very inclined to be part of this project, Dr. Cooper," Siebert said suspiciously, "I have to admit that it looks suspicious."

Sheldon swallowed hard. There was reason to be suspicious. But he could never tell Siebert that.

"I thought better of it", a half-truth was still true, right? "Maybe it will be good to be part of this project this year".

"That is all?" Siebert was clearly not yet convinced.

"Yes sir". He hoped his eyes would not contract as they did every time he lied.

"Okay then, I'll leave you in charge. I just need you to give me a written pilot plan so that everything is documented before you start", Caltech's dean adjusted his jacket. "You have two weeks."

"Don't worry, sir," Amy replied this time, noticing the half smile Sheldon was throwing at her.

She knew that was his way of saying that everything was going to be okay.

She just hoped it really would.

"I hope it's not a lot of work for you, Dr. Fowler." Siebert's eyes narrowed. He was super suspicious.

"Not at all, sir." She said more confidently than she really felt.

"I hope you are adapting well to Caltech."

"It's different here, but I missed the west coast. The heat and everything". She said good-naturedly.

"I bet you missed it." Siebert replied. "If there's anything I can do for you, just show up here."

"I thank you, sir." Amy smiled politely.

Sheldon and Amy left Siebert's office relieved that they had managed to get around the disaster that had been their first encounter after so many years. It gave them a little more concrete hope for the first time that they could do it together. And in that instant, it was just what they needed to get things going.

Hope.

"So, would you like to go to my office to talk about the project?" Sheldon asked, it was almost lunchtime so he added, "We can go to the canteen first, I can buy us something to eat and then we can focus on the logistics and the written project that Siebert asked for. It looks like it did in high school, doesn't it?".

Amy smiled wistfully. And Sheldon smiled for making her smile. It would be just like it used to be in high school. But now they were two adults who didn't know how to behave close to each other. They always seemed to be afraid to say or do something stupid.

"I would love to, Sheldon. But..." the smile fell from both faces when she interrupted her speech. She seemed hesitant to explain why.

"But?" He asked.

"I have to finish packing some things in my laboratory. There are some surveys that I need to follow. I need to finish everything by tomorrow morning and I need to leave early today. I really have little time". She said apologetically.

"It's all right". He said visibly controversial.

"We can do this tomorrow in the afternoon; I will have finished everything I need to do". She suggested.

They stopped walking when they reached the point where their paths diverged.

"Can I buy you lunch tomorrow then?" He hated how pathetic and sticky he looked at the time, but it was stronger than him.

"Of course, you can." She smiled. "See you tomorrow then?" Amy asked.

"See you at noon at the cafeteria," he said smiling.

What happened next was totally unplanned and without even thinking. Amy leaned up on her tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek. The gesture caught him unprepared, he didn't even have time to think about what was going on when she was back on her heels looking at him in astonishment at her own actions.

He smiled, touching his hand where she had kissed him. Still feeling like her lips were there. His reaction made her more at ease and she smiled too. Walking away without saying another word and ruining the moment.

What they didn't notice, however, is that they had been seen by Sarah.

* * *

"Amy Farrah Fowler". The neuroscientist heard her name being called from inside the office. She didn't have to wait long.

The psychiatrist's office was welcoming, to say the least. Amy felt comfortable for the first time since arriving in Pasadena. Many paintings and flowers delivered that the doctor was somewhat focused on arts and landscaping. For Amy, all design and architecture delivered a certain taste.

Amy had set an appointment the day before. "It is not a shame to ask for help," Dr. Bennet had said. And she kept those words in mind the whole time until that moment. It was certainly the shame that had prevented her from seeking help before.

First, her family's shame - and that included her mother - who said that psychiatric help was a thing for nuts; that depression is nothing but namby-pamby or lack of things to do. Ashamed of her mega-religious aunts that said mental disorders are demons, even if she was not religious. Perhaps, at heart, mental disorders are demons. But not the kind they were referring to.

But the biggest shame was for her profession. She knew, being a neuroscientist, that everyone needs help. That if everyone did therapy, humanity would be better. However, it was difficult to admit that her problem was serious.

Upon entering the room the psychiatrist just asked her to sit down. Offering water or tea, but Amy refused both. Her stomach was in knots. She had no idea what to expect from the appointment. Or Dr. Rodriguez, who was, after all, a complete stranger.

Dr. Rodriguez looked very nice. Her gaze was full of emotions, but the kind was good. She looked like one of those people who smile all day and are never sad about anything. Not the kind of person who makes humorless jokes, but the type who always tries to see the good in things. She seemed to take her job seriously, however. There were many certificates framed on the wall. And Amy had done her homework; she researched intensively about the Psychiatrist and was very impressed with what she had found.

"Well, before we start, I would like to know: do you prefer me to call you Amy or Dr. Fowler?" Dr. Rodriguez asked respectfully.

The neuroscientist pondered the question for a few moments. Certainly, calling her by her title would remind her constantly of who she was and what she did for a living, and again, shame returned. She wanted there, just to be Amy.

The Amy who didn't hide behind all the degrees.

An Amy that she didn't even know if still lived inside her.

"I think I prefer you to call me Amy." She answered.

"Okay," she proceeded to remove a sheet of paper from a drawer, "if you feel more at ease you can call me Amber, or as you prefer. Right?"

"Right". Amy replied.

"Very well, Amy." Amy was sitting in a kind of armchair. There was an identical one in front of her where Dr. Rodriguez sat. "To begin with, I want you to tell me, who is Amy Farrah Fowler? And for what reason Amy is here".

"I don't understand". Amy said.

"I want you to tell me, who is Amy Farrah Fowler, of the most generic things, like age and where you were born, even the things that almost nobody knows about you and your personality traits that you, on your own, are capable of observe".

Amy took some time to think. Who was Amy Farrah Fowler?

"Well, I was born in Glendale, here in California. I am 31 years old. I live alone and..." Amy stopped, what else could she say about herself?

After a few minutes of failing to elaborate further, Amber intervened.

"It's difficult, isn't it?", She smiled sympathetically and went on to another question, deliberately setting aside the second part of the first question. "Could you tell me at what point in your life you were most happy?"

"I think... I think when I was sixteen years old." Amy swallowed.

"You could then tell me who Amy Farrah Fowler was at sixteen."

"Amy at sixteen was different." A violent nostalgia hit her. In the days when nightmares didn't torment her, Amy had always come back to that moment. "She had discovered love for the first and only time, you know. She had life projects, dreams...".

"What has changed from sixteen-year-old Amy to thirty-one-year-old Amy? What differences can you point out between the two?". Dr. Rodriguez asked gently.

"I think Amy today... she sees the world differently."

"How different?". Amber semi closed her eyes and crossed her legs, showing that she was aware of what Amy had to say.

"I don't know. I think that today's Amy believes less in a fairy tale. Not in the sense of finding a prince charming, but you know, of believing that a very good thing is going to happen and you will suddenly live happily ever after. That the tables will turn, as they say". Amy felt herself being examined under Amber's watchful eye.

"Interesting", Amber said and wrote something down on the sheet of paper. "If sixteen-year-old Amy had to choose a fairy tale that represented her expectations for life, what would it be?"

Difficult question, Amy thought. Which fairy tale would best represent her expectations for life?

"It would definitely be The Ugly Duckling". Amy laughed sarcastically. Amber wrote down a few more things on her sheet of paper.

"Understand". The psychiatrist settled into the chair. "Now tell me Amy, did you say that you live alone? I believe you are not married. Are you romantically involved with someone?".

"I'm not involved with anyone. I live alone. My mother died last year, I lived with her in Massachusetts, I received a proposal to come here recently". She swallowed.

"How was your relationship with her?" Amber asked.

"We were not very close. I went to live alone after I graduated, but for the past two years I had to move in with her when she found out she had cancer. She suffered a lot. And me too, we didn't have a close relationship, but I was still my mother".

"Of course,". Amber adopted a genuine expression of empathy. "I'm sorry for your loss, Amy."

"Thanks".

"Is that why you're here? For your mother's death?". She returned to the previous question that had been left out.

"In part, perhaps. But it is not the main reason".

"If you're ready to tell me what happened, I'm all ears, Amy. If not, we can leave this matter for a later consultation". Amber said with the same empathetic tone.

"I suffered obstetric violence". Amy fired, looking at Amber to see if she should continue. She had been ready to admit it out loud for some time. Having vented with Emma the day before had a stone taken from her shoulders. The stone of fear. And the guilt, that although still left its injuries to heal after so long holding it, they no longer weighed on her back.

Amber nodded for Amy to continue.

"I was young, I was seventeen. I stayed longer than I should in labor and I heard from the obstetrician on duty that giving birth was not as simple as spreading my legs. The baby did not survive delivery. Since then I have had constant depressive episodes. I cannot see a baby or a pregnant woman that I have a panic attack".

"Is this the first time you've been looking for help?" Amber asked, almost certain of the answer.

"Yes". Amy sighed. "Since college I feel that everything is getting worse. I thought that when I were following my field of study, doing my research, it would all be over. But everything seems to torment me more and more. I have contemplating suicide since before my mother died. "Admitting it out loud made her feel strangely relieved and foolish at the same time.

"And what prevents you from doing it? What do you think about when this ideation occurs?"

Amy took a long time to answer that question. She knew what was preventing her. Right. But even with her doctorate she was unable to explain what she felt. It was too surreal for her and totally irrational. The logic of all facts was rounded off. It was almost humanly impossible to translate into words.

"It doesn't seem right. I feel like there's something out there waiting for me, I just don't know what it is".

"Perhaps you are still waiting to become a Swan?". Amber considered.

"I don't know". It seemed to be something bigger than that. That just become a swan. There was something waiting for her.

And it wasn't Sheldon. Although he was part of the reason.

There was still something else.

"In addition to suicidal ideas, what else do you feel in times of crisis? Both physical and emotional symptoms". Amber questioned attentively.

Amy took a deep breath.

Searching inside to find out those feelings was difficult even for her.

"Physical symptoms are easier to describe. Insomnia, sweating, tachycardia and severe anxiety. The emotional ones are much more complicated".

"Did you say that when you see a pregnant woman or a baby, you have a panic attack? Could you elaborate more on what goes through your mind when that happens?". Dr. Amber rested her head in her hands, attentive and almost certain that she knew the answer to that.

"The memories come back. I see myself many times again in that delivery room. With pain. Praying to a God that I don't even know exists for my baby to come right into my arms. I hear the offenses of that obstetrician saying that if the child died it was my fault". Tears started to run down her face. Her choked voice barely comes out. "I feel the guilt about stoning me. I see Sheldon's face without understanding why I was leaving him, when we had so many plans together".

"Sheldon?" Dr. Amber asked. "Was he the father?"

"Yes. I never told him that I was pregnant. I just didn't have the courage". Amy started to sob desperately.

Dr. Rodriguez took a handkerchief from a package that rested on a small table next to her chair and held it out to Amy.

"I found him again. We are going to work together at the same university. He still doesn't know anything. But we are going to work on a project together. And I found out, that I never forgot it. I still love him as I did when I was sixteen. He also never forgot me, but I can't get into a relationship with him again until I get the mess inside me". Admitting it out loud was scary.

"Amy, first of all I want to say that it is wonderful that you are looking for help. Second, and before I can end the consultation for today, I need to know. Was it your profession that kept you from seeking help for so long?". Amber questioned seriously.

"That is half the reason. I just ... I feel like I'm ungrateful with life. I have my career; I have several privileges that many would not dream of having. There are so many people in the world in worse situations than mine. I should simply be grateful to life for having a roof over my head. But even so, I don't know what it means to be happy". At that moment, she felt like the most frivolous person in the world.

"Amy, all human beings on the face of the earth have dealt with, or deal with every day, difficult situations, the pain of one never excludes the pain of the other. Each goes through different things throughout life. Where are you from, who you are. It does not define where you will go, but it can define the struggles that someone may be subject to. Obviously, there are people who are born with some kind of privilege, this does not mean that they are immune to trauma. Amy you are a woman, you suffered prejudice because you got pregnant early, you suffered obstetric violence and you lost a child. And only people who went through what you went through can understand the pain. Post-traumatic stress disorder may accompany you for the rest of your life, but it can be alleviated and brought under control with therapy and medication, as a neuroscientist you know that, don't you?".

"Yes. I know". She answered.

"I'm not going to go too far with today's session. The first day is always the most difficult to open. We are gradually working so that you can open up better and learn to trust me. One more thing you need to know is that here I don't work alone. I count on a whole team of psychologists and other health professionals. And your case will be assessed together. We will order some tests, we will enter with the correct medication. But you will be consulting with psychologists too. You can choose who you feel most comfortable with, or if you prefer you can consult only with me. What you prefer. I just want you to know that you will be well supported and assisted here".

"All right". Amy replied.

"For today, I just want you to go home knowing that you are a human being like any other, subject to trauma and pain. Don't blame yourself for feeling that way and remember, you took a big step by coming here today. There is still a long way to go and with medical help, everything will be easier. Okay? Just question bad thoughts, don't let them take care of you. And if you need to, you can call me, right? Do not hesitate to do this if necessary".

"Right". Amy replied.

That day she went home, for the first time in years, knowing that maybe she would be okay. Only time would tell.

* * *

**Thank you for reading!**

**Let me know your thoughts!**


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